: philosophical ramblings Archives

welcome 2010

i'm hosting family this week, so things are a bit hectic... but i did manage to record and post episode 175 on the sly. ;) it's a happy/welcome-2010 podcast, with a(nother) new song, and some marianne barlow, mixed in! it's available for download and streaming as of now...

if you don't already know marianne, i hope you'll visit her here.

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:01 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i believe it.

the past few days have found me thinking about giving. maybe cuz it’s almost christmas? i’m not sure. maybe. but the word “giving” itself feels too small somehow. What I mean is bigger – connected to god and love and hope and passion and vision and trying to make sense of the december 2009 world we find ourselves in. how do we make positive progress in the midst of chaos and hurt and emotion? how do we find (much less – maintain?) balance – wanting more and needing more – struggling to stay afloat in the ice water reality of now? i don’t have answers. i just feel questions. hm.

a lot of this comes to mind, especially, in terms of jesus. cuz it seems to me that the most challenging aspect of what he was telling us had something to do with this – that giving is the way out – the way back – the way through. turning the other cheek, 70 times 7, forgiveness compassion, surrender. they all seem to be about giving. i realize that “giving” might sound cliché, especially at this time of year. but i mean this in the way that cuts and costs us and asks us what we’re really doing. what’s the motive? do i care who’s watching? why? why not? the giving of our real hearts. the kind that we never get back. the kind that sees more than the pain. the kind that gives through, and transforms us because of it. i don’t know how this works. i’m not there yet. but i see the truth of it. i feel it. and i believe it too.

i’ve been walking the sidewalks to and from work, through the cold and rain, this week. i’ve been thinking about this as i walk. and - especially in the last few days – the truth of what jesus was talking about has been breaking through, and seeping in – the simplicity of it – the impossibility of it – the beauty of it – the whole severe mess of it. i want to live like that. here. this way. i’m gonna keep trying to make it better.

ok. i’m rambling, so i’ll shush myself. podcast 172 is here. many thanks to kris hauch for sharing his music with us. if you have time, i really hope you can listen. :)

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 07:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

cause and effect

it wednesday again... hello! :) thank you for being here. words about tonight's podcast are hard to pin down. hm. mostly, it's a broad feeling - a translation, transition - how words connect and distance and transform - the feedback loop of emotion pivoting on moments, and moments pivoting on emotions, and songs and feelings and ideas mixed in and around the whole process - causing and effecting. something like that. i realize i'm grasping at rational straws here, but i still hope the overtones come through. mostly, episode 171 is just me playing a few new demo songs, and trying to figure out a feeling. hopefully i said things (or pointed toward them???) somewhat coherently. but, even if not - gotta say - it feels good to try. i'm thankful for that. even in the midst of being proven wrong.

so... given that tonight's podcast is mostly about this unsayable sense of things, and not about a linear idea, it feels right not to try to overexplain or philosophize or re-say "what i meant to say," etc., etc., etc. it seems better to let the broken poetry of these new songs say it in their own words. the songs are just glimpses. shadows of the feeling. but they say it better than i can.

wishing you well,
russell

ps - here they are:

i had a dream

i had a dream that it was true
i had a dream that me and you
in every way we ever said,
the veins and ties hanging by a thread
were just resting up from all the strain
we put them through

you took the test, you know the rest
you had to choose which side you thought was best
i was only something old, some old story you told yourself
but i believed it...

chorus:
you know i, you know why
to tell the truth i'd have to fall apart
to tell you i, to tell you why
to say the truth i'd have to fall apart
oh, i'd have to tell the truth

you know how dreams
they take the place, but not the time
put us in a different world that tells the truth,
or at least a kind of mind
that takes us back to where we were,
but never opened our eyes
i held you in my arms...

chorus:
you know i, you know why
to tell the truth i'd have to fall apart
to tell you i, to tell you why
to say the truth i'd have to fall apart
oh, i'd have to tell the truth
oh, i'd have to tell the truth

You know how feelings point the way
symbols of a kind of faith
there's no answer in the way
just a warning sign to say
that what you have is measured by
what you have to give away...

you know i, you know why
love won't let me tell the truth
you know i, you know why
i can't tell the truth.

--

my feelings never matter

i know better than to start to sing this song
i know better than to tell the truth to anyone
like the squad needs more ammunition
like the fire needs more oxygen
like the problem with my heart
has ever been twice the same

chorus:
i know better than to hope that things might change
i know the same's true of staying the same
like i've ever known how to change
like i've ever been able to stay the same

like i need to water the weeds
like i never spread those seeds
like i ever knew which side was yours
like i ever know which part was mine
was there even a difference between the two?
the division seemed more real to me
than it ever did to you...

chorus:
i know better than to hope that things might change
i know the same's true of staying the same
like i've ever known how to change
like i've ever been able to stay the same

Posted by russell at 06:34 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

either/or

tonight's podcast is here! episode 170. i'm a little self-conscious about it on multiple levels - 1) i don't think i expressed my point very clearly, and 2) i'm always self-conscious whenever i ramble on about religion/philosophy, etc. hm. in mulling it over, and re-listening, the main point i wish i'd made better is the simple fact that the "both/and" worldview, by definition, allows for the "either/or" within it. and, in this sense, the oversimplification of the dilemma ravi zacharias portrays on his podcast is untrue and unfair.

as i see it, the "both/and" (or "pantheist," as zacharias calls it) perspective embodies an understanding that both "either/or" and "both/and" are appropriate ways of thinking - each in their place and time. science, mathematics, engineering, logic - these are all areas of life and knowledge where the "either/or" mindset is appropriate and unquestionably superior. absolutely. alternatively - feeling, love, opinion, metaphysics, faith, the supernatural - anything that facts can't prove - are the domain of "both/and." the whole truth is both. and - in this sense - the dilemma between either "both/and" or "either/or" is a completely false choice.

the fact that both sides are necessary and real and true (and powerfully relevant) in human life seems reasonable and balanced and true to me. and, honestly, i think it's an equal failing to err in either direction. if we force the "either/or" onto love and faith, we end up with dogmatic fundamentalism that's deaf to the complexity and variety of human experience. if we apply the "both/and" to science and logic, we create a false nonsense-world where nothing can be known or said about anything. both extremes seem equally insane to me. the only way to fully understand and engage with the whole of life, is to try to understand and embrace both perspectives appropriately. this is hard to do, obviously. it takes more than a lifetime, for any of us. but i think our time is much better spent here - exploring where and when to apply each - than tilting at the windmills of our neighbors and perceived-to-be enemies.

so, anyway. yes. that's what i meant to say tonight. it's just my opinion, so a "both/and" situation, clearly. ;) the other side has a point. and, if you're interested in learning more about that, i hope you'll visit the ravi zacharias' podcast "let my people think".

as always, and most of all, many thanks go out to our musical guests tonight - marianne barlow, the mannequins, and slyway.

happy december 2nd,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:07 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

bread crumbs

episode 168 is here. i more-or-less randomly titled it "attention," but, as i think more about it, i realize the theme i intended is something quite a bit more broad - more about showing up in general, i guess? attention as a form of trying? listening. caring. or, something like that. as younger people (and ruefully, here and now too), it's easy to underestimate the importance of simply being here. i mean "here" in the real, now, active, sense. and it's easy to forget (or, worse - miss entirely) how this leads to the deeper "attentive" sense of things. naturally. they're not the same. and they're also connected. it's a strange/intutive/obvious thing. hard to say in the right words. but feels true.

hm. the (all-too-often, though not inherently) trite aphorism, "fake it 'till you make it" is another way to say it. showing up, choosing to try, to be right here right now, are the bread crumbs that can lead us toward authentic participation and listening and community and giving and hope. not always, of course. i know. but more than we usually realize, i think. the (in)famous woody allen quote comes to mind too - that 90% of life is showing up. same thing, right? i think so. it sounds simple. but it's not as easy as it looks.

so... ok. enough rambling from me. i hope tonight finds everyone well. i'm thankful that you're here. i'm also thankful to our musical guests - danny scherr, toy house, and kathleen dunbar. thank you thank you thank you. and, well... more on that next week. i promise.

all the best,
russell

ps - don't forget that toy (of toy house) is playing a little show this upcoming saturday night, nov 21, at simple pleasures cafe... more info on the venue here.

pps - oh, neat - literally just stumbled on this. not vouching for it. but i'm interested. :)

Posted by russell at 08:14 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

alive and awake

with things (hopefully) settling down for me in the where-i-live department, tonight's podcast is an attempt to steer things toward open water - in the hope of reaching out to others, new music, ideas, work, worlds, etc. we'll see how things go. i'm hopeful.

episode 166 brings me to jerry wilson's book "god's not dead (and neither are we): the story of christian alternative rock's pioneers then and now, as told by the artists themselves." as i mentioned in the podcast, it's a fascinating read on multiple levels. and especially fascinating for anyone who grew up in or around (or aware) of 80's alternative (o.c. dominated) christian rock. bands like - the 77's, the choir, undercover, altar boys, steve taylor, 441, veil of ashes, et. al. i've changed in lots of complicated ways over the past 20 years. no doubt. but one thing hasn't changed. i still listen to (and love) this music. i imagine i always will. :)

so... for all of these reasons, i'm very happy to be able share jerry's book with you. jerry's a prolific writer, so if you like what he's up to, i hope you'll check out his other work at - goldfishandclowns.com. you can read a review, and pick up your very-own copy of "god's not dead..." here.

you can befriend tonight's musical artists here:
marianne barlow
nick guerrero
ryan (aka julius caesar) aka the koedon army

happy wednesday to all...
russell

Posted by russell at 06:21 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the feeling of reeling

tonight finds the world more cozy than it's been in a while. i'm at home. and things're almost all moved back. maybe 90%. which makes me feel better in lots of ways. and, so - amusingly, as if on cue - the emotional waves have begun to roll for other reasons. predictably. hm. it's just the normal human ebb and flow, i guess?? :) objectively, things're ok. really good, actually. mostly. and the parts that aren't ok are still ok. i mean it.

yes.

the will-to-blog mood is eluding me here. i hope you'll forgive me. but, i am in the mood for talking, and did (quite a lot) on the podcast i just uploaded - episode 165. if you have time and're interested, i hope you'll take a listen. i haven't re-listened yet, but while editing and uploading, it felt like a good one. or, an honest one, anyway. and, for the most part (to me, anyway), those're the same thing(s).

ok. enough rambling from me. i'm stopping, as of now. but i am very thankful that you're here with me. for real. thank you.

from my heart,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:09 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

day by day

week # 4 is passing and i'm still not home. i won't make any more predictions about when things might be better. i've been wrong for a string of weeks now, and there's no sign of let up. i'll just keep quiet. and hoping. in the interim - episode 162 is here. it's a little open mic. just you and me and three songs. i hope you can listen. :)

yr friend,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:15 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

green thumb

tonight's podcast strayed and bounced and drifted in ways i didn't intend. hm. i'm relistening now, and cringing a little. :) oh well. it's embarrassing to be inarticulate, but if you get a chance to listen, i hope you'll be able to hear a little of what i meant - in and around and between the lines. somehow.

to my ears, most of what i was trying to say comes down to the metaphor of the garden - how our care and attention and action (and intention) mix with the macro elements... the soil and sun and wind and rain. i'm excited by this idea, honestly. and, even though i know i didn't say it well, i think there's a kind of inherent kernal (or seed?) of truth in there that hopefully comes through despite my limitations at saying it.

related maybe, i've been thinking about pain and difficulty recently too. how we handle disappointment. how we manage things going wrong. sometimes perennially. inexplicably. maybe these things aren't directly connected, but somehow i think similar themes apply. despair, abuse, suffering, depression - the whole gamut of harshness in general - act as the wind and ice and drought of human life. and, conversely - compassion, openness, listening, tenderness, sincerity, generosity - are the rain and sun and soil we all dream of and long for and need. we all encounter elements of both as we live. some more than others, in some times more than others, in ways we never control. and most of us know from experience that our best attempts to make things grow don't always make things grow. which hurts. here too.

i don't understand the science of growth - or if there is any. but i do believe that trying still matters. it's all i have sometimes. and i need it. more than anything else. despite my best efforts, my garden has been dried to a crisp and starved with cold more than once. i don't really understand why. not fully, anyway. my heart is dismayed and broken in lots of ways. still. but i wanna keep trying. i wanna build a greenhouse. i wanna find some cold-resistant seeds. i wanna stay up all night every night to keep them warm, if that's what it takes. so, hm. i don't know if this makes sense? maybe not. but it's where i am tonight. and it feels important to (try to) say it.

i'm thankful you're here tonight.

special xtra thanks to kris hauch for sharing his music with us tonight. if you don't already know kris, check his music at myspace.com/thefannycake and myspace.com/streetpiano

wishing you a great week...
russell

ps - here's something random and beautiful i found as i was surfing the internet for garden related things... chrismaser.com/garden

Posted by russell at 04:26 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

three years

tonight marks the three year anniversary of the simplemuzik podcast. wow, right? three years. it feels like a long time in most ways... and a whirlwind blip in others. it's strange. honestly, i'm astonished more and more as i grow, how life evolves and mutates - how the themes within us blend and vary, change and stay the same - the unpredictiably subtle shades of familiarity every thought and moment bring with them. memory. regret. thankfulness. hm. this may not make sense to anyone? dunno. i don't really understand it myself. but it feels true. i think it is.

this said, i can't let the moment pass without sending a few major thank yous:

first and foremost - i wanna send my whole heart and thanks to you. for reading and listening and sharing and giving and the simple (and life-changing, for me) act of being here. your presence changes everything. me, this, the world. i know i'm a bit cheesey for saying so. but i only say it cuz i know it's true. ;)

secondly (and equally) - i wanna send my most gracious and appreciative thank you to all of the artists and guests who've been kind enough to share their work and thought and time with me over the past 157 episodes. there are no words to really express my feeling here. but my deepest thanks goes out to each of you. really and truly.

thirdly, and most essentially, endless thanks are owed to larissa pickens for helping me get the podcast on the net in the first place - three long years ago. there would, quite literally, be no podcast without larissa. i remember this every time i upload an episode. and i'll always be thankful for her gift of time, and patience with me. if you have any web design needs, please consider her - larissapickens.com

episode 157 features some brand new music by nick guerrero (check him at - myspace.com/nickguerrero) and a few more live-on-the-podcast recordings of new/er songs i'm slowly working on. it's not much. just a few thoughts mixed with a few songs - an understated and quiet anniversary evening together. just us. if you have time, i hope you'll take a listen.

wishin' u the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:56 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the insane defense

happy wednesday to all... and thanks for clicking by. :) i just uploaded episode 155. it's another simple show, a few new recordings/songs, and some new (hopefully [at least] tangentially relevant) rambling by me. overall, life continues to feel a bit off-kilter for me these days. there are lots of reasons, and none at all - which both makes sense, and feels strange too. dunno. i feel like i'm finding a balance somewhat, and i'm thankful for the many exciting/interesting/truly-amazing/beautiful possibilities and realities around me these days. i'm lucky and i realize it. but i also hope - looking back some time from now - that things make a little more sense than they do now. that may be a vain hope? part of me suspects so. yes. but i still wish for it.

more than anything, i want say thanks to you for sharing this with me. i really mean it. the fact that you care enough to be here now changes things for me. really and truly.

love,
russell

ps - oh, and as promised, a link to the durham rule

Posted by russell at 05:21 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

both ways

tonight's podcast is here. it's a very simple thought mixed with some old songs done anew - live from my kitchen. :) it's funny doing old songs, esp. the ones i chose tonight. they're a mix of different days gone by... and it's hard to sing them without remembering. which is that ever-mysterious mix of beauty and wistfulness. hm. i'm listening to the podcast now as i'm typing, and i think that feeling comes through.

if you have time, i hope you can listen.

<3
russell

ps - some links - maile meloy, and poet a.r. ammons.

Posted by russell at 07:29 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

kismet

episode 151 is a small moment from home. small things. small steps. slowness. for better or worse, that's how things feel tonight. i think it comes through. i talk a little bit about the idea and feeling of fate too - specifically kismet. i definitely don't understand the concept fully... but the overtones of how our choices and personality and experiences and innate biology interrelate (and inevitably feedback on each other) intrigues me. a lot! :) i suppose most of it is the nature of reality itself too? seems so, to me - the impenetrable mysteriousness of things in general, the simplicity of complexity... or - some other equally absurd way of saying what can't be said. i don't know. obviously.

amidst this, i also play some beautiful music by neek maxwell (aka nico bailey) and the mannequins - plus a few brand-new-under-construction songs from me. as i type this, they feel right songs for tonight somehow. they feel related to all of this.

i hope you'll take a listen!

<3
russell

ps - in case yr curious, some lyrics:

ground loop

i wanted to tell you – cuz i thought i could sell you
this attempt i’ve made not to say the truth
but no matter how golden – the rule seems that’s been spoken
under the breathe that’s been broken down
by slipping through the sea.

chorus:
i know it’s you – something you said was true
it’s nothing new – every time i feel i know it’s free
don’t matter what i do – the words say something
but it’s not what i feel in my heart for you.

this time what i wanted – was a whisper on my shoulder
the truth of a soldier in the trenches of a war we know we’ll lose
and given another – twisted family and mother
these things transform how the skin wraps ‘round the bone
like the bark on a tree.

chorus:
i know it’s you – something you said was true
it’s nothing new – every time i feel i know it’s free
don’t matter what i do – the words say something
but it’s not what i feel in my heart for you.

you posed as my lover – kept suspiciously undercover
you know i wrote the first two verses of this song with you
yeah, but now it’s over – my little four-leaf-clover
it didn’t take much for you to want something new

chorus:
i know it’s you – something you said was true
it’s nothing new – every time i feel i know it’s free
don’t matter what i do – the words say something
but it’s not what i feel in my heart for you.

pps - interesting. in searching for links to kismet, i found kismet - the musical. neat!

Posted by russell at 04:18 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

dangerous thoughts

a few friends have mentioned dismay at my recommendation of michael jackson's 1991 cd dangerous. i went back and listened again today, and just wanted to say a little bit more about what i see in it, etc.

firstly - as with most things me - it's about a feeling. i mean, yes, true, the cd is filled with (what is currently) considered dated production - the synth, the drum machine, the trademarked high-pitched squeals, etc. i know. i agree. but what i love about dangerous - and music in general, more broadly - is not only (or even primarily) about style and presentation and packaging. i mean, ok - yes - this stuff has an unavoidable impact. but it's not the whole thing. or the most important thing.

songs, as artists, as all of us, are human. which is to say - messy, imperfect, broken, warm, inconsistent, beautiful, alive, never complete. the best ones, anyway. ;) and - strangely, amazingly, metaphorically - love is too. which is how music feels... the whole of things, the sense of things, the emotional power and truth and reality of our hearts as they are - inclusive, unified, honest. and that's what i feel within much of michael's work - and dangerous as a cd specifically. so many of those songs, esp in the late 80's and 90's, were about trying to make sense of things, prove himself, connect and break past the hurtful assumptions the world had about who he was. specifically, i'm talking about songs like "jam" and "why you wanna trip on me" and "will you be there." these songs are a lot of things wound together, but at the core, they're a simple emotional plea... that just happens to be mixed with early 90's r&b drum machine. the frustration, the ache, the wanting things to be better...

they say i'm different
they don't understand
but there's a bigger problem
that's much more in demand
you got world hunger
not enough to eat
so there's really no time
to be trippin' on me

-michael jackson (why you wanna trip on me, 1991)

also, for me, deeper, there's something powerful and moving and relateable about the sense of isolation and misunderstanding and vulnerability surrounding the themes michael was talking about in those days. if we let ourselves, and we're honest, i think deep down most of us know what he meant - that the world too often doesn't listen, doesn't understand, doesn't care - and we still have to keep trying. we can't give up. we gotta keep fighting for what we know is right. which also reminds me of his 1995 duet with janet - "scream"...

"tired of injustice
tired of the schemes
the lies are disgusting
so what does it mean
kicking me down
i got to get up
as jacked as it sounds
the whole system sucks

peek in the shadow
come into the light
you tell me i'm wrong
you better prove you're right
you're sellin' out souls but
i care about mine
i've got to get stronger
and I won't give up the fight"

-michael jackson (scream, 1995)

as a singer/songwriter who can't help but listen to lyrics, i notice this. cuz not many "pop" artists do this sort of thing. not many mega-ultra-famous icons maintain the softness of heart to express honest need and exasperation and hope and vision. very few do. and - so, yes - that seems like a big thing to me. i respect that michael was trying to break through emotionally. he was trying to connect - painfully, desperately, hurtfully, angrily, honestly - the whole human thing. and, to me, this is the heart of all that music ever is or can or should be. michael was there with his heart. reaching out.

back to dangerous - if you're interested in why i feel what i feel about the album - here's a recommendation: sit down with some headphones, hit play, and listen to the words (a good site for the lyrics is here).

continued peace and heart goes out to michael and his friends and family tonight.

russell

but they told me
a man should be faithful
and walk when not able
and fight till the end
but i'm only human
everyone's taking control of me
seems that the world's
got a role for me
i'm so confused
will you show to me
you'll be there for me
and care enough to bear me

-michael jackson (will you be there, 1991)

i have to find my peace cuz
no one seems to let me be
false prophets cry of doom
what are the possibilities
i told my brother
there'll be problems,
times and tears for fears,
we must live each day
like it's the last

go with it
go with it
jam
it ain't too much stuff
it ain't too much
it ain't too much for me to
jam
it ain't
it ain't too much stuff
it ain't
don't you
it ain't too much for me to
jam

-michael jackson (jam, 1991)

Posted by russell at 06:15 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

yes

it's 8:45 pacific time. i just got home. wow. tired.

happily, i just posted episode 147. a yes to yes. i have no way of knowing if any of this makes sense in any objective way. i deeply hope so. it seemed to somehow moments ago, intuitively, emotionally, raw-ly. but i'm not sure. hmph. i wish i could be.

i can't type much now, but if you have a chance, i do hope you'll take a listen...

sincere thanks for being here,
russell

Posted by russell at 07:37 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

ouroborealis

tonight's podcast is set amidst the flux of life recently. most notably - busyness, travel, time, no sleep, and the general go go go of things. i'm not sure if anything in episode 146 made sense, or if you'll find themes or echoes or shadows that seem coherent in some way? i mean, i hope you will! but, alas, as i type this, i doubt myself too. so, i don't know. it's probably best not to dig myself any deeper with words tonight. i realize that much, at least. yet, here i am typing... :)

i guess this is part of what i mean by the concept of "effortlessness" in some way too? in every way? to realize the limits of our systems of understanding, whatever they may be (words, ideas, symbols, mythologies, theories, etc., etc., etc.). i don't know if it's wrong to lump these things together? maybe. but they do feel connected in a deep way. as explanations, perhaps, only??? but, at bottom, the most important things (the ones that keep us hoping and dreaming and fighting) feel embedded, complex, inherently mysterious and ungraspable... which, paradoxically, beautifully, is also a way of saying simple, connected, whole. ;) yes. life, meaning, love, the questions themselves. conclusions. logic. the way our brain waves decide which answers make sense and why. the ways we know, even when there's no way to say it. the thought of thought itself. what is this stuff? what does it mean that different people see it differently? is there an objective standard anywhere? i don't know.

at some point all of these conceits and questions boil down to an ouroboros - some crazy, twisted, self-referential use of logic to define logic, words to define words, feelings to define feelings, etc. it's an odd and absurd artifact of consciousness. but, yes. i think there's value in stopping. stepping back. cutting the explanations and defenses and apologies. giving in. giving up. in favor holding hands. a kiss. a touch. a look in the eye. the simplest of things. these facts are as true as anything we can pretend to prove. and i don't want to ever forget it.

for me - here, now - that's the bottom line. choosing to listen, to hear, to feel with - that's it. the biggest thing. the only thing. the real thing. i hope yr well tonight. thank you so much for being here.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:47 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

art vivant

i haven't had internet access for the past few days due to technical cable-related issues. it's been weird... sorta like camping at home. good. roughing it without the world wide web. you know how it is... ;) i've spent the last two days playing hide and seek with the comcast repair van, and, happily, we found each other just in time for episode 145.

on the face of it, i guess the whole concept of "living artfully" is a little removed or abstract or rareified? or might seem so? i don't know. i guess it is in ways. true. but i also hope you know what i mean. in my heart it feels like a very simple foundational root-of-life thing. meaning. that's the core of it. and, no matter how averse we might feel to "philosophy," or navel-gazing in general, we all need to make sense of things in a way that speaks our language... in a way that feels connected to our experience, etc. so, i hope that makes some sense. as i think about it, that's all the podcast is about this week. trying. wondering. working.

if you have time, i hope you can listen and visit the links to our musical friends, and other related people and things...

nick guerrero - on myspace
toy house - on myspace
danny scherr - on myspace

joshua landy - @ stanford university
philosophy & literature- @ stanford university
discover the - kqed forum podcast
hear the - entire podcast - with lanier anderson and joshua landy

toni morrison - on wiki
the novel - song of solomon
friedrich nietzsche - on wiki
the concept of - eternal recurrence

wishing u well tonite,
russell

ps - i'm off to catch up on podcasts and facebook and myspace and stuff! wooohooo!

Posted by russell at 06:14 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

anti pro

it's another of those late wednesday nights. i've been going non-stop since something like 6am. but the podcast is here! 144! which makes me happy. :) if you have time, i hope you'll listen and click around to related things...

danny scherr - on myspace
toy house - on myspace
joseph campbell - on wiki

or, well - actually, i do want to say one thing. or attempt to clarify. professionalism in the sense i mean it tonight (while it does obviously come along with competence and talent and skill and discipline - all undeniably good things!) is [also] often tempted to be cold and removed and routine and impersonal. and i just don't ever want those things to be true of my life or music or friendships or love or work or heart. which is also to say the podcast. this. here and now. a certain amount of this is unavoidable perhaps? at times. i know. but - all the same - i don't want to go gentle into that night. that's all. i'd much rather be amateur and naive and broken and small and real and honest and alone and wrong and disappointed and dismayed and closer to being satisfied that i gave everything i knew how to give. i hope this makes some sense.

peace to you tonight,
russell

ps - a poem:

do not go gentle into that good night

do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
rage, rage against the dying of the light.
though wise men at their end know dark is right,
because their words had forked no lightning they
do not go gentle into that good night.

good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
rage, rage against the dying of the light.

wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
and learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
do not go gentle into that good night.

grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
rage, rage against the dying of the light.

and you, my father, there on the sad height,
curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
do not go gentle into that good night.
rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-dylan thomas

Posted by russell at 06:07 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

emotionful

i'm unsure why - but emotion seems to have this weird/bad reputation/connotation in american culture. or, to me anyway. could be that i'm hypersensitive? perhaps. or maybe the feeling of it just depends on context and culture and personality and who you're around??? or a mix of both. seems like. hm.

anyway. tonight's podcast is pretty much off-the-cuff and unplanned. i'm feeling wistful and sappy for whatever reason - which i'm equal parts embarrassed and defiantly protective of. oddly. but mostly, honestly, it just feels normal. to be alive is to be guided by feeling. even when we think we shouldn't. even when it's subjective and silly. even when we think we're not. that's how it seems to me. ;)

and amidst all of this i'm also aware that lots of others see it oppositely - that true objectivity is possible, etc., etc. which is cool. they have a point, afterall. but still. i can't seem to escape the sense that everything we look at and define and judge is seen through a human eye. and is translated through the circuitry of a human brain. i mean, the concept itself - that it's possible to "see" at all without an apparatus of an eye ball or brain or history or experience or assumption... all seems a bit fanciful and abstract. the simple truth seems to be that we're limited. honestly. openly. and feeling (which is also to say sensation and intuition, anatomic functions of... what? the frontal? parietal? amydala?) get at the real truth of things at least as well as the visual cortex ever could.

so, yes. this is just a long winded way of saying i'm feeling all sappy tonight. if you have time, i hope you'll take a listen to episode 143! :)

links:
more on emotion - via wiki
heather's music - myspace.com/sparklebritchesmusic

more than everything, i'm happy you're here with me.

thank you.
russell

ps - also if yr in the area, don't forget - solo acoustic show this saturday night, may 23, at simple pleasures cafe (3434 balboa, san francisco)! more on simple pleasures - here. and toy house - here.

Posted by russell at 08:08 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the mirror

tonight's podcast reminds me of a true and simple quote i read from maya angelou a while back - the common sense, real life, compassion of learning and falling and trying and getting back up - how it's the only real measure any of us ever have for how much we want what we want and value what we value and are who we are...

here's the quote:

“i don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. but what i learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. it is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. but once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if i'd known better i'd have done better,' that's all. so you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'i'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'i'm sorry.' if we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. you can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. i think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. now mind you. when a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. but you can overcome that. the real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. if we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach." - maya angelou

i love how this is true. i love how rightly and simply she says it - how matter of factly her words confound and affirm our worst fears and our biggest dreams all at once. life and learning seem like this quite often. for me, anyway. :) "both/and" in place of "either/or". something like that? or, that's how it feels. for those of us who've grown up around (or been influenced by) western linear thought (...which is, well - just about mostly everyone, right??...), the idea that there's more to the truth than can be seen objectively/philosophically/measureably seems like a challenge or contradiction somehow. i mean, how can an image or person or idea be two opposite true things at the same time?? it's heresy! in some quarters, anyway. i know. and i guess that's cuz it is a challenge and a contradiction. in a real way. i see that. i can't argue. but, for me also, it feels ok. it feels like the truth. like being honest. radical. valuable. so, i don't know. when it boils down, i guess that's what i feel like i've learned most about life so far - that the contradiction is real and weird and ok at the same time. the opposite is ok. the identification is ok. the isolation is ok. the wanting it to be different is ok. and... yeah - it's not ok too. i can't deny either feeling.

i don't understand it, but the truth for me is that - beyond the impossible linguistic contradiction of the words themselves - it really is ok that's it's not ok. somehow crazily, truthfully. we can fight it, explore it, hate it, love it, ignore it, explain it, deny it... i've done (and do) them all, and i know that each is honest and right and needed in its place. so, in that sense, it seems that there's just something very simple and peaceful and drama-busting about letting go and sitting and being with the real life unsolved mix of both. it's hard. it aches and chafes and itches and doesn't ever feel right... most of the time. lots. but sitting beside the contrast or contradiction or difference or ache or need or loneliness... seems very much perfectly right sometimes. more and more the older i get. i guess there's not much any of us can say in defense or proof of these things? they're just points of view. feelings, weltanschauung... which maybe by definition never make sense?? i realize i'm rambling, and apologize. sincerely.

hm. age seems to've dissolved much of my concern and discretion (and faith) in the whole realm of "sense" and "logic," "order," "fact," and reality too maybe?? :) it's funny. or, maybe just some form of escapist personalty disorder? both? i don't know. but i feel ok about it, either way. i want the mirror to be more than an image. more than surface. deeper. both, beautifully. i want the possibility behind the reflection and the mistakes and the cold reality of all of this. i really do. i want that for both of us. to make it and turn it and be it. that's my heart tonight. it's what i mean with all of these words.

more than all of this, i'm simply thankful you're here. if you have time, i'd love to share episode 142 with you...

and a few links:
jihad for love - the ny times review
the director - parvez sharma
parvez sharma - on youtube

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:10 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

rock and a hard place

hello and happy wednesday to all! i hope the week is going well where you are. :)

i just uploaded episode 136, and would love to share with you... it's a simple little show featuring some more memories and god-talk and some old rock songs by me. honestly - gotta say - i feel a little bit self-conscious whenever i talk about the uncomfortable, angry, passionate, sensitive, "i'm-so-misunderstood," woe is me, feeling. hm. i suppose that reaction is rather common? most of us seem to have our own version of it in one way or another. but i do wonder about it - where it comes from, how it became so scary to tell the truth, be known - why we aren't more comfortable with the range of feelings in general, etc. self-consciousness is strange.

i guess the real messy truth of it too, is that isn't all that complicated. i'm just scared. afraid, unremarkably. of real vulnerability, mostly, i guess??? but also being misheard to be whining or sulking or precious, etc., etc., etc. that's the truth. and it's an odd thing, cuz i obviously do want to talk about that stuff. i can't help myself, it seems! :) and yet here i am - acutely aware of how easy it is to say things the wrong way - to distance the very people i'm trying to communicate with, turn you off, etc. so, yes. with all this in mind, i hope you'll give me some grace if i said anything that sounded this way on the podcast tonight. and i hope somehow you'll see and trust that there's more inside and beyond and between. cuz there is.

what i really mean to say is that i'm thankful for everywhere i've been so far in life. more and more and more every day. and for everyone i've known. for all of the things that've been hard. for the easy things. and the impossible. cuz i know this is what it took to teach me what i needed to learn. what made me shut up, and shows me where i've got it all wrong. it's what brings me here tonight. and what's made it possible for you and me to be in these similar spheres, together and apart, with all of the possibility and difficulty that's before us. it's this beautiful thing. such a mess! and so amazing. so much i can't even say it. so... yes - that. this. it's what i mean more than anything. i hope it comes through.

wishing u well, always.

yr friend,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:00 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

zen and the art of being busy

the core of tonight's podcast is some absolutely beautiful music by local singer/songwriter kathleen dunbar. the songs are taken from her cd "finally home," and they seem really right for tonight. i want to send a huge thank you to kathleen for letting me share her songs here! if you like what she's doing, i hope visit her at: myspace.com/kathleendunbarmusic.

as i type and reflect on things this week, i'm reminded and struck by how strange structure and order and context feel sometimes. it's interesting to me how ideas and feeling and meaning correlate and interrelate and mix and inform each other. how perceptions change over time. how our understanding of things affects or experience of things. hm. i guess most of this comes from lately having found myself in a good place. but it's come in a funny form - i'm busy, things are crazy, i have no time, i'm pulled in a thousand directions at once. but i also feel like i'm doing the right stuff, and in the right place. it crazy and peaceful. both simultaneously. i don't know if i've ever felt this way before? maybe? but i don't think so. either way, i'm thankful for the feeling.

a lot of my life in the past has been about making mistakes, and questioning, and wondering, and regret and fear. i guess that true for most of us? a lot of us, anyway. and i know i'm still mixed up in all of those uncertainties. i haven't solved any of it. for me, i don't think i'll ever escape or fix that stuff in any conclusive way. each moment is a different set of variables to manage. which seems true. and somehow, strangely, recently, it feels like things've been making a kind of (perhaps illogical or short-lived - but all the same) sense these days. like my mistakes needed to happen. somehow? that they couldn't help but happen. and that it's somehow ok that they're gonna keep happening. i don't know. part of me is embarrassed to say any of this, cuz it's just a feeling. and it's impossible to say the way i feel it. and part of me (this part) knows it's important to try. :)

if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to episode 130.

and don't forget to visit kathleen dunbar at:
myspace.com/kathleendunbarmusic
and, if yr interested, the movie i mentioned is:
adaptation. (2002)

wishing u the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:54 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

what if there isn't?

things are pretty much insane for me right now - i don't know why. it's the circle of life, i guess? for me. lately, anyway. i just finished editing tonight's podcast, and i'm embarrassed at how much of my random currently overhwhelmed state of mind seeped into the rambling-ness of it all. i'm self conscious about it. cuz i know it's bad form. and i wish i knew how to make things more coherent. i'll keep trying. in the meantime, if you get a chance to listen, i'll be honored. i hope you won't find it too annoying. even more - miraculously, somehow - i hope some of what i meant to say breaks through. despite me. in the midst of life and feeling and doing, i never quite know if nonsequitor moments like these express any of what i hope they do. i have my doubts. but my fingers are crossed nonetheless... ;)

in lots of ways, i guess it's just the mundane high-wire walk of everyday life? cuz no matter how much we want to (or think we) control all of the wings and wheels of communication and understanding and coherence - we never will. it seems odd, i know, but somehow trying to say what we don't know how to say, or do what we don't know how to do, or be what we have no idea how to be - and giving everything to the trying anyway - is the most honest place any of us can be. it's small solace, i realize. maybe none at all? but it still feels true.

if you're interested, i hope you'll click on the links and learn more about the movie man on wire and the man philippe petit.

wishing you the best,
russell

ps - on, and here's a review of man on wire.

Posted by russell at 05:53 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the virtue of a broken heart

it's strange to realize the role that hurtful things, or negative stuff, play in our lives. to say we "need" a broken heart somehow feels sacriligeous - to tempt fate - or say what shouldn't be said. so maybe i shouldn't say it? i don't know. maybe. but, ultimately, i don't mean it in an ostentatious way. i mean the opposite. and it feels important to try to parse one from the other, and see if it's possible to say one without the other. somehow. even if it's not.

i guess most of what i'm trying to say boils down to something very simple. maybe obvious? just that painful stuff has a way of teaching us and grounding us and making us grow up like nothing else does. and it's needed. cuz it's never something we'd choose on our own. it's something we wake up with, suddenly, unavoidably, without warning. it's something we try to avoid and deny and run from. and maybe that's as it should be? but it's also inevitable. and inescapable. and an inborn piece of every human experience. each of us learns to manage that and make sense of it in our own way - religion, learning, poetry, skill, art, passion, career, sex - all seem woven in and around it. and in some ways (most or all ways probably?) the cause and effect are blurrily interrelated. hm.

i wish i could say it better. i'm floundering here, i realize.

in my own inarticulately roundabout way, episode 126 is about the realization that pain serves a necessary role. not in the neat ordered philosophical aphoristic everything-feels-ok way (not for most of us, anyway). but, alongside the niceties of whatever words we might use to describe it, there's the real thing - the down-in-the-bones hurts-like-hell no-way-out feeling of it. which can (and does) create a space and need for something more. and, as nick cave says in his essay "the secret life of the love song," from which - art, god, weight, work, are often the beautiful and natural and difficult outgrowths.

i don't know if this is true. but it feels like it is. to me. deeply. and, at the same time, it's hard to say in a way that puts emphasis on the real heart of it without slipping into the false, cliche, over simplified, ways in which "pain is good!" optimism obviously misses the point. cuz it's not good. in any way at all. i don't think there's any honest way to even suggest such a thing. death, disease, evil, injustice, poverty, prejudice, hate. the whole thing is wrong. my bones want it to be better and different and more. and it just isn't. it's just this, here and now, wrong, wrong, wrong thing. and yet - in the middle of this - we get to respond. and what we do makes a difference. for real. both are true.

i don't understand it. i doubt there *is* any human understanding of these things when it comes down to it. it's like asking "what's the point?" to god or art or love. the question itself is absurd. cuz there isn't one. or, there is - but it's not an idea anyone can say. the point is a feeling. this one. as it moves. and if we have to ask, i guess the absurdity itself becomes its own kind of answer. ;)

i hope you're well tonight, wherever you are. if you have time, i'd love to share tonight's podcast with you.

don't forget the links:

julius caesar (aka ryan) - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada

patrick swayze - on wiki
nick cave - on wiki
nick cave's lecture - secret life of the love song
philosopher - reinhold neibuhr
poet - w.h. auden

the church i'm going to - uusf.org

happy wednesday,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

doubt

the inspiration for episode 125 is mostly taken from a movie - the new one with phillip seymour hoffman and meryl streep - where he plays a priest and she plays a nun - and it's unclear who's the good one and who's the evil one. i've seen quite a few of the big oscar contenders in the past few weeks, and doubt definitely deserves to be in the running. the movie is based on a play called "doubt: a parable," and, i guess the "parable" part sorta gets at what i found most compelling about it - basically, the metaphor that uncertainty in any specific context has deep implications on how we see and feel and understand the larger unknowns of life - god, faith, passion, love, meaning... all of it, i guess? how do we make sense of things, or make decisions, when we're never sure? what does our choice of who or what to believe say about us???

that makes me think about a lot. and question myself, and try to dig deeper. what are my real values? why? when i think about the value of "art" in general, a book or movie, a poem or song - anything creative, really - that's the ruler by which i assess. art that brings us to that place or reflection is always a mystery to me. so amazing and beautiful and scary. and seeing doubt - the movie pushed me in those ways. more than anything, it reminded me of the amazing paradox mentioned in the bible (matthew 7:1) “for in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you." it's painful to hear those words. painful to see that my judgements of others are often the most incisive judge of me. but it also hits me fair and square - justifiably. cuz i see the wisdom and truth of it. i can't deny it. it seems undeniably true - the ultimate reminder that wisdom and forgiveness (and idealism and responsibility) are brother and sister.

anyway, i don't know what any of this means objectively. but it's where i am tonight. i hope it makes some sense. :) and, if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to the podcast, and visit the links...

julius caesar (aka ryan) - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada

doubt - the movie
doubt - the play

happy wednesday,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:06 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

growing up

i saw the movie "milk" last week (which is quite excellent), and it reminded me about a lot that's important to me personally - what i value, stuff that inspires me, what i believe and want to be true. and it made me think about change too - how hard it is to see the things we don't see yet, to grow, evolve, move, be honest. and how vital and needed and important it is that we push ourselves in that direction. i realize that how that looks and what it means is different for each of us - but regardless of all the obvious real differences and opposites and specifics - it still feels like an essential and unavoidable human necessity to try. to keep asking ourselves why. to remind ourselves that we don't see it all. and that we need to keep growing up. no matter where we are. no matter how far we've come. there's always more to see, and more we're missing.

for whatever reason, this stuff seems to come to mind explicitly whenever i stop to notice my own random path through life - and how strange and (im)perfect it is that we're here this way tonight. embarrassingly and beautifully, it's this total mystery filled with mistakes and ignorance and chance and luck. it boggles my mind. really. cuz it truly does feel like a mix of all of those things. it's definitely not something i understand. but i'm thankful for it nonetheless.

somehow episode 122 brings us to these thoughts, in a roundabout way... i talk a little bit about the movie "milk", and frank schaeffer's book "crazy for god". these might seem like strangely opposite topics? in a way? maybe. but i don't think so. in a deep sense, they both feel totally related to that same need for growth, and change - to stand up (and speak out) for what our hearts tell us is true. even when we don't know, and aren't sure, and it's scary. especially then. it's idealistic, i know. :) and hard. and too rare. but important.

if you have time, i hope you can take a listen, and click around the web to visit related links...

tonight's music:
brent calderwood - myspace.com/brentcalderwood
toy house - myspace.com/toyhouse
toy's cd - desert road

movies i mentioned (and recommend):
about the life of harvey milk the times of harvey milk
about the aids quilt - common threads
about the scientific discovery of aids - and the band played on
review of the movie - milk

learn more:
about harvey milk - on wiki
about frank schaeffer - on wiki
frank schaeffer's book - crazy for god
and frank's father - francis schaeffer

wishing you the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 01:58 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

words become shapes

this week's podcast is pretty simple - just me talking about things that've come to mind over the past few days - mixed with some amazingly good local music by jonas and nick guerrero (+ the nick g hard drive!). it's funny how ideas work. and even more how the brain and intuition and memory and curiosity merge and exist together as simulaneous opposites and equal aspects of a whole. it's weird. i saw the movie "what the bleep do we know!?" late last week, and it got me thinking about the whole concept of "seeing" - what it means to see - what we mean when we talk about seeing (as opposed to actually seeing) - how perception is always this unique mix of biological and neurological, etc. somehow i don't suspect we'll ever tease them apart by thinking, classifying, defining, theorizing. cuz it truly is as if they've become one in some way, fused indistinguishably... which, in the end (while frustrating at times, no doubt), is also much more just mysterious and beautiful. not about a word or idea - but a feeling. and who knows? maybe that's the point, afterall? somehow it feels that way. i certainly can't defend it with logic, but i do love that there's a point where the human brain studying the human brain just naturally devolves into absurdity. and words meld into shapes. and questions stop making sense. and poetry and need and longing and subjectivity take up the slack. that's just how it's supposed to be, i guess? it seems. there's nothing more human.

it's funny. and silly to talk about, i know. cuz i realize i'm doing the overly-thinking thing right here in these words. ;) all the same, i can't help but be amazed that those same limits exist in both micro and macro - inward and outward - the expanse of space, the universe of an atom - the feeling of honest love for another person. our eyes and brains can only see so much. which just is. and the "truth" - whatever it is - seems to be teaching us to let go. over and over. we don't seem to learn. we keep fighting. pushing. doubting. or, i do, i should say! and somehow that's ok too. sometimes it really does seem like the only way we learn is by not learning long enough to see that we haven't learned what we thought we learned - the old william blake quote in action - that wisdom is merely a fortunate form of persistent folly. something like that.

i'm reminded too of the buddhist koan (via lin-chi l-hsuan) that if we meet the buddha on the road, we should kill him. that concept has always been tantalizingly beyond my grasp, but it does seem to have something to do with the idea that anything we can name or point to is not the real thing itself. and that that object (whatever it may be - the "truth," our perception of "enlightenment," god, buddha, jesus, nirvana, love, stability, success) is, in fact, the most pernicious impediment to actually participating with the real thing. there are lots of opposite ways to interpret that metaphor, i know. and do. ;) i don't claim to understand it completely (or even agree with it, per se). but it does seem true that seeing is always, by it's nature, distorted by what we're seeing with, or where from, etc. as odd and counterintuitive as that is, i gotta admit - i sorta love that it's so insoluble. it feels true. and right. and somehow inspiring too. deeply. i don't know if that reaction makes any sense? maybe not? but if you have time to listen to episode 117, i hope some of that comes through...

links to things:

free jonas songs
free nick guerrero songs
(id + password for above is - "muzik")
nick guerrero - on myspace

jiddu krishnamurti - kfa.org.
the boy in the striped pajamas - boyinthestripedpajamas.com.
what the bleep do we know!? - the movie.
william blake - on wikipedia.
sheldon kopp's book - if you meet the buddha on the road.
lin-chi l-hsuan - on wikipedia.

wishing u the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:29 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

bridges feel rare

this week's podcast is here. a little late, but here. :) the past few weeks have been a lot hectic for me, and episode 116 finds me in the middle of that, trying to make sense of things and understand and find balance. just normal stuff, i guess? i guess. so, for what it's worth, the podcast circles around a few thoughts - the election, change, balance in general - my reaction to what i've been hearing around me, differences, hope, the need to keep listening. i don't know the answers to this stuff. but i know i wanna keep trying.

my special thanks go out to julius caesar and john levitt for sharing their music with us tonight. if you don't already know them, i hope you'll click their links below and find out more.

ryan (julius caesar) - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada
john levitt - jlevitt.com
john's first urban fantasy novel - dog days
the sequel to dog days (available nov. 25) - new tricks

links to other stuff mentioned:

behavioral theorist james lehman's - total transformation
the way of the master radio podcast

thanks for being here. it means a lot to me.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:50 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

a political roundtable

my friends becky and erik were kind enough to join me last week for an open-ended discussion about politics, religion, values, ideas, and impressions re: the u.s. presidential election. i'm honored to present part one tonight, and i would love to share it with you. :) as i mentioned last week, the partisan rancor we've seen (on both sides) over the course of the past few months concerns me. i realize that this is how political parties "win" elections these days - that the lowest common denominator dictates the tone of debate - that catch phrases sway more effectively than substantive explanations. fair enough. but i don't like it. and i don't think that's how real issues get solved. the fact remains that whoever wins this election needs to lead one country. and if we're ever going to address any of the deep divisions and disagreements (and problems) we have, we're gonna have to learn to listen to each other. i'm convinced that anything less will only bring us more of the same. i'm idealistic, perhaps. i know. but i believe in working for something better. i believe in humanizing those who disagree with us. and trying to understand. this is what i want. if you agree, i hope maybe you'll join me - wherever you are, and whichever party you support.

more than anything, i want to send my sincere thanks to erik and becky for trusting me and taking the time share their perspectives. their friendship means the world to me. seriously. also wanna send extra special thanks to the mannequins, nick guerrero, patrick kobernus, and kris hauch for sharing their music with us. if you don't know them already, i hope you'll click their links below... they rock. quite simply.

kris hauch solo - myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" - myspace.com/streetpiano

the mannequins - myspace.com/mannequinsmusic
nick guerrero - myspace.com/nickguerrero

patrick kobernus and slyway - slywaymusic.com
patrick's cd "cowboy zen" - cdbaby.com/cd/slyway

t vine wine - tvinecellars.com

wishing you the best tonight.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:25 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

politics + feelings

as mentioned at the end of last week's podcast, this week finds me wading into the larger politicial discussion going on in the u.s. i've mostly held my tongue on this stuff so far, and - gotta admit - i do feel a little self-conscious opening my mouth... partly because i know i'm opening pandora's box, and even more partly (simply) because i know i didn't say everything right. i know i could have expressed my opinions and reasons and feelings more clearly, more effectively, more efficiently, etc. words (or my ideas, anyway) are inherently incomplete. there's no denying it. and mixed in there too is the fact that beyond everything, i really, truly, deeply, want the podcast to be an open place where everyone feels welcome and whole and accepted exactly as they are (with whatever political, philosophical, religious, persuasions we have, opposites, disagreements, etc.). i hope that comes through beyond the specifics of any issue or non-issue, or party, or candidate, or campagin, or belief. always. cuz that's what feels most important to me. it's the point of all of this, more than anything.

that said, i obviously do have my little opinions about stuff. and i'm the first to admit that lots of my opinions are illogical and messy and emotional and off-the-cuff and only half formed (if that). it's true. ;) me here tonight is just an attempt to express a moment as it passes - me trying my best to somehow fuse emotional intuition with figuring things out. albeit clumsily. i'm trying to get it right. honestly. fairly. but i also know that i have a long way to go, and probably always will. as i mention tonight, i really do feel like i need the other side. i need that perspective. i need to see the things i'm missing. and, in that sense, i truly do love hearing from people who disagree with me. and thinking about why. and seeing where i've been wrong, or missed the point, or not said it the way i've meant it. it might seem odd, but for me those are some of the best moments in life! seriously. it's sometimes the only way i ever learn.

so, embedded around all of these feelings (the beautiful paradox of them) is how those moments only ever take place when we start to talk about where we really are right now - how we feel, what we think, y'know? just as is. imperfectly. in process. this, here. so, that's what i hope tonight's podcast is. or, more accurately maybe, that's what i want it to be. it's where i am right now, how things seem to me, and where my only-partial understanding finds me. in that sense, i hope it's ok. especially if you disagree. cuz i know lots of this stuff is volatile, and there's a lot of venom spewing back and forth - esp. along party lines, ideologies, perceived opposites, etc. that makes me cautious. for sure. but it still feels important to say it. i hope you agree, even if you disagree. :)

if you have time, i'd love to share episode 113 with you. i'm curious how you see these things, and welcome your input/rebuke/debate/correction...

some links:

green party in the united states - gp.org
the green party's - ten core values

danny scherr - myspace.com/dannyscherr
danny's cd "richmond special" - cdbaby.com/cd/dannyscherr

patrick kobernus and slyway - slywaymusic.com
patrick's cd "cowboy zen" - cdbaby.com/cd/slyway

ok - off to watch debate! hope all's well wherever you are.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:01 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

ghosts and a feeling

tonight's podcast is here, and it takes a cue from the overall feeling of things (at least around me) these days... uncertainty, insecurity, unknown-ness, etc. most of it has to do with the obvious concerns everyone's having over the economic situation. but it seems to bleed into other areas too - relationships, faith, the u.s. presidential election, the future.

i feel all kinds of conflicting things about all of this. it's hard to explain. but i've been sifting it, trying to take stock of what's been going on in my heart. i tend to think that our response to crisis and threat says a lot more about us (our values, beliefs, fears) than it ever does the world outside, or our perceived enemies/opposition. no doubt real threats exist. i know. real dangers. real things to fear and prepare for. but - that said - parsing out which is which and when is always a tricky thing. it's easy to get lost, y'know? and even easier to get caught in the loop of reconfirming our own bias. i'm curious how you see it? i don't know. i can't prove any of it. but it does seems true to me. somehow deeply.

so - with that in mind - for whatever reason - right or wrong - my response tonight is to try to redouble my efforts to listen and understand and connect with the people around me. that's what i value. and i believe deeply that any solution to these things has to be rooted in understanding - both of ourselves and others. whatever real compassion is - the real thing - the kind that works and gives and changes us - i think *this* is where it's born. when we're not sure. when we're scared. how we respond in times like this. honestly.

i'm naive and as prone to blindness as the next guy, so i'm definitely not saying i have any of this figured out. cuz i absolutely don't. obviously. i'm painfully aware that my grasp of the problems themselves (whether they be personal, emotional, economic, political, or whatever), and what's the best move to make things better, is murky at best. so, the answers aren't here. for sure. as you know. :) but what i *do* think is here - the only thing of value i believe in in times like this - is the starting place. a starting place for understanding, working, giving, trying, hoping, changing. in a real way that feels like all we ever have when things aren't right. the potential of an open heart. listening. and maybe more? maybe these are the doing of it too? i don't know. sometimes it feels that way.

politically speaking, my heart is broken by most of the discourse i see around me. the sides, the supposed opposites, etc. while i know (and embrace) the fact that my heart is naive, i simply don't believe in those labels and polarities. i mean, i see them, yes. i feel them. i see the world throwing them back and forth. but i honestly don't get it. nor buy it. these "opposites" feel like ghosts to me. pepper's ghosts. distractions. mirror images.

i know the world isn't perfect. i know people are a mix of good and bad and indifferent. me most of all. i know greed exists. i know evil exists. not a question. but so does love and kindness and goodness and compassion and transcendent possibility for change. and - in days like these - when strife and panic and blame are everywhere, i can't help but feel that ignoring (or forgetting) the humanity of those we disagree with is a stiflingly empty and incomplete response. so much of the u.s. feels like this right now - red, blue, black, white, boy, girl, jesus, allah, gay, straight. no matter which side we're on. so, in a real sense, the question seems to come down to what kind of life we want? us, here. for real. are we ok with this? i'm not. i know it can be better. i know we can love better. i know we can follow god better. i want to.

for me that's the bottom line. i want things to be better. i want things to change. i want hearts to open. and i realize that these changes are rarely (if ever) about words. words point toward things, outline shapes, give general impressions... but they're not the thing itself. so here i am typing and talking. type, type, type. :) true. this is just me trying to find a way to point toward what i feel in my heart. hoping to somehow say it in a way that connects to your heart. but i'm not confused about the real change that's needed. the real thing happens when we feel it. when we see it. when we do it. it's up to us. i really think so.

if you have time, i really hope you can take a listen to episode 112. i'd love to share it with you. <3

links to cool music and books and people:

danny scherr - myspace.com/dannyscherr
pick up danny's cd at - cd baby

heather and sparklebritches - myspace.com/sparklebritchesmusic

the cobalt season - thecobaltseason.com
the cobalt catalog is available (among many other e-places) - here

alan watts - podcast
alan watts - on wikipedia
his book - the wisdom of insecurity

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:45 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

a floppy hat and an open heart

tonight's podcast is a live report from central california (learn more about fresno here). it's a simple show - just me playing some new songs by julius caesar, and talking about the sentimental feeling of trying to hold onto things i can't hold on to. or, 'least that's what i think the whole floppy hat story is about. i'm still filtering it, so not 100% sure. but it feels that way.

it's funny how objects and places remind us of people and moments we've lost, isn't it? or maybe it makes perfect sense? as both. underneathe everything going on tonight, that's the root of what i was trying to say. and, really, it's a futile fight. right? cuz things change. choices transform us. life moves. there is no "past" we can go back to. and it's a good thing. i'm thankful for it. but there are also huge moments where i want the wheels to stop - where i want to escape - move backwards - and undo it all somehow. i guess longing for impossible opposites is a very natural and human thing too? i know. and beautiful, painful, broken, wrong, miraculous, etc. i think it's ok. even when it doesn't feel that way.

with all this in mind, i can't help but be thankful as i post this. :) and hopeful too. thankful that i don't know what's ahead. and hopeful for the same reason. part of me wonders if i'm being unduly (recklessly) optimistic for feeling this way? probably. but somehow i also imagine that possibility and hope are connected inextricably, invisibly, unavoidably. it's not a feeling any of us can consciously create, i know. and that's the thing. cuz - whenever it happens - it's spontaneous and natural and very simple. like a song. or a moment we can't stop. i guess that's where the gratitude comes from??? cuz it's not something i deserve. or have. or know. and yet here it is. the sacredness and gift of this isn't lost on me.

i don't understand it, but these feelings are swirling around episode 109. if you have a chance, i hope you'll take a listen. and i hope you'll visit related people and places and things around the web...

ryan (julius caesar) at - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada

amazing songwriter - jonah matranga
jonah's cd - "and".

as linked above - learn more about fresno, ca.

thank you for being here
so much,
russell

me and the hat in fresno.

Posted by russell at 04:34 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the good fight

the internet is cool. for the fun of it, i just googled the title of this week's podcast. and a whole bunch of stuff came up - lots of christian missionary sites, some political books, the lyrics to a dashboard confessional song... some things i expected, some i didn't, and some i had no idea existed 'till now. and it's funny, cuz as opposite as some of these things may appear (and are) on the surface, there's also a real sense in which most of them bear the meaning i intended. in their own way. admittedly, it's often the mirror image of how i might think politically, or what i'd choose to do or say, or where i think the emphasis should be. true enough. and my first reaction is usually to judge and distance myself, and remind myself (and others) of those differences. but then, sometimes - i stop. and i think maybe it's ok. maybe somebody needs to put emphasis in the areas i neglect? maybe there's something i need to learn about the other side? as thoughtful and right as i like to think i am on any of these issues, this seems even more true.

so - as i was wandering around the other "good fight" products out there, i couldn't help but notice that the people who created those sites, and work for those missionary groups, and wrote those songs and books, were probably inspired by something (a feeling? an idea?) very similar to my own tonight. and i also bet they experience the same sense of struggle over trying to be better, and get closer to the truth, and do the right thing. they come to different answers, yes. but the underlying motivation connects us. and that - to me - feels like a big starting place for understanding. obviously, there are lots of people who disagree with all this, call it pollyannish, etc. so, maybe i'm just naive? or wrong? could be. given the complexity of human motivation and psychology, seems there's a better than decent chance i am. fair enough. but i guess this is where faith comes in? cuz i need connection to be possible. and i want it. and since i have to live in the world never knowing or understanding completely, i wanna err on the side of common ground. and i wanna hope for understanding. and live like it's possible.

when i talk about "fighting the good fight of faith" in my own life - this is pretty much what i mean. cuz i do believe we can make something better here. just us. by listening. it's never simple or easy, but it does happen when we're willing to stand up, tell the truth that's going on for us, really listen when others hear and feel what we're saying differently than we intend, and see the truth of the opposite perception. i don't know how it happens. or what makes it happen when it happens. it's hard as hell. confusing. scary. and it takes faith. but it does happen. even on a lazy wednesday evening, surfing google...

so, long ramble, just to say that tonight's podcast is here. i hope you can take a listen, and that you'll visit and learn more about the artists and links i mentioned...

julius caesar - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada
tom mcshane - myspace.com/tommcshane
penny distribution - www.pennydistribution.com
ryan sharp & the cobalt season - thecobaltseason.com

early 20th century (not 19th as i misspoke on the podcast)
poet rainer maria rilke's book on love and other difficulties.

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:33 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

here and now

the title of this week's podcast is borrowed from the first line in julius caesar's new song "near death"

"you'd better get a grip, kid / change the shape you're in...
startin' to look a little worn for the wear, wonderin' if you're still in there
i know it's been troubled times, but hey, it's time to be alive
and change the shape you're in..."

in listening to ryan's new songs the past few weeks, i've been reminded how often music prompts me and leads me in ways i don't expect. but need. in a way, i guess most of it just down to the crossroads of everyday decision making? all these endless possibilities that exist in any given direction. and why and how we choose things the way we do is so limitlessly complex and odd and random. y'know? and miraculous too. it's a strange thing.

this feeling echoes in the podcast tonight. and it says a lot about ryan and heather's songs. i wanna thank them both for sharing their work with me over the past year or so. their songs have become a part of my life, and i completely admire the ability they have to evoke mood and feeling and metaphor so personally. as i've mentioned before, the way music does this - reaches inside, connects, gets past our emotional defenses, undoes our pretense - is neverendingly inspiring to me. and i realize i've said the same thing in many different ways over the course of 94 podcasts and blogs now. over and over? maybe. if i do, it's simply because it taps into a feeling i can't put into words, or seem to get right... but want to. and songs like these do it - time and time again.

so, i dunno. maybe this is all "sacred" ever means? i think so.

as i was editing the show tonight, i realized how the last few weeks have been filled with some amazingly rich talent and voices. i'm very much thankful to everyone who's participated - heather, keith, chris (of sparklebritches), ryan (of julius caesar), and the upcoming music and discussion with ryan sharp (of the cobalt season), nick fitzsimmons (of penny distribution) for sharing tom mcshane's recent work, and angela for sharing foundreality.com. there's some really cool stuff coming up in the next few weeks. i hope you'll stay tuned, and share as much as you can with other friends who might be interested. :)

so, hm - come to think of it - the sparklebritches song "on the one" (about half way through tonight's podcast) is what i mean by all of this. that feeling. it says it better than anything. i hope you'll take a listen, and check the links to everyone i mentioned tonight...

julius caesar - myspace.com/thekoedonarmada
sparklebritches - myspace.com/sparklebritchesmusic
khalil gibran - on wikipedia
ryan sharp & the cobalt season - thecobaltseason.com

wishin' u the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:39 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

relational arms

tonight's podcast finds me circling around something i've talked about before, i realize. namely - how do our thoughts and beliefs and stories about ourselves, and others - the hierarchy of socially accepted "value" or "beauty" - contribute to our sense of freedom and/or isolation in the world? how does it affect our relationships with others, those we need most, our sense of self? it feels important to me. and it's a funny thing too, cuz, most often, this stuff is under the surface of our lives, subconciously accepted, perceived as "fact" more than as any kind of choice on our part. and that's true. it is a fact, in part! cuz the world is a certain way. this way. and, somehow, no matter how much we fit in, or don't, we all have to deal with it.

all the same, beneath the "fact" of the world as it is, i also think it's important to acknowledge how we (me and you) participate in creating the values of the culture around us. whether we agree or don't, i think we're unavoidably mixed up in it. our beliefs, our sense of self - all of it - are inextricably wound together within a feedback loop of cultural instructions - ones that judge us, or reward us, based on how well we measure up to its (our) believed-to-be ideal version of "success" and "strength" and "beauty," etc., etc., etc. and, in ways, it's just a normal thing, i guess? it doesn't seem right or wrong per se. but there is another side. and we all know it - we've all bumped up against it - on the losing side of expectation. it sucks. and it can pile up. and bury us. quite easily.

so, what do we do when that happens? how do we respond when we're not seen, not understood, not heard, not appreciated, not wanted? when our strengths aren't seen as strengths? when it seems like there's no way to be ourselves and be ok? that's the hard part. cuz it's times like these when our view of ourselves in relation to these judgements can (and does) change everything. because it dictates what we believe is possible. and how we act. and how we relate to others. and ourselves. and the whole world.

but how??? i mean, really? when our best efforts, hardest work, most sincere attempts to love, all end in failure - it's devastating. and "devastating" doesn't even begin to say it! it's an ache, more like. in the bones, the heart and blood. even more, what happens when it's a lifelong pattern? or when our innate needs and visions are in direct opposition to the structure of what most people want or need? how do these experiences feed on themselves, internalize, and cripple our ability to be free and true and responsive to the odd and beautiful gifts that each of us've been given??? can we hold both? is there an answer? i don't know. obviously. but i do need there to be. and - amidst knowing the difficulty of this whole thing first hand - i also know that our hearts can heal and change and grow. and that there is hope. and understanding. even when the opposite is the only thing we see.

for me, the most beautiful thing in the world, is the uncovering of connection. and, when religious people talk about being "born again," i think they're saying something related. i think they mean this thing - the seeing and feeling of new pathways where we thought there were only dead ends. and whenever this happens, it's like lightning - a shock - a miracle. and the world does change. it can. and does. and so can we. cuz, no matter how impossible it sounds or feels, the very same fears and rejections that lead us into trappedness and blindness and hopelessness, have other paths too - less traveled ones, yes - hidden in the underbrush - only discovered by those who become truly and deeply lost, perhaps (?) - but they do exist. and they lead to the most beautiful, rare, and wild of places - inspiration, strength, compassion, peace.

it's strange, but somehow the most beautiful human realities seem linked by some of the most difficult and hidden and lonely paths imaginable. i can't say that i understand how. it's a mystery, for sure. but i've seen it, and lived it. it's true. and, in the same sense, pain can be an aspect of goodness. a blessing. the key that makes us change. not easily. no. and not everyone sees it. but it's there, and real. if you have a chance, i hope you can listen to episode 68.

also, hope you'll check out gery tinkelberg at:
his site - www.gtink.com
myspace - www.myspace.com/imperfecti
cd baby - cdbaby.com/cd/imperfecti

all the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:35 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

forgiveness and god

i just uploaded episode 67 - or, actually - it's uploading as i type this! in it, i talk more about sam keen's book "to love and be loved" - with special emphasis on religious language, and listening, and how all of that fits into our perception and experience with (both needing and giving) forgiveness. it feels like a big concept to me - cuz, all around us, there seem to be so many examples of (and excuses for) bitterness, loneliness, hopelessness, limitation, hurt, etc., etc., etc. it's not a distant thing. so, obviously, i'm in no position to cast judgment on it (or anyone suffering from it). and i don't. cuz - let's face it - life's a mess for all of us. me too. and the only reason i notice any of this, probably, is just cuz i'm a part of it. i'm getting it wrong everyday. and, ironically, it's usually wrong for all the right reasons! so, yea. i know how it feels. i want there to be an answer.

and, in the middle of this - right here - i want so badly to keep my heart operating and open - to keep trying, keep looking, keep hearing. it feels essential. like job #1 to me. as i look around at the world - the people i love, my neighbors - there seem to be so many endlessly distinct ways of handling this stuff - the balance - the art - the spiritual and emotional work - the failure - the courage and strength, always mixed with uncertainty. so much has been done. so much truth has been found. and, despite all the obvious unavoidable darkness out there, there's a lot of beauty and hope too - still - for any of us willing to try. i can't help but think about the examples from the spiritual traditions - the possibilities lived out by people like the dalai lama, ghandi, jesus, martin luther king, mother theresa. amazing, right? how did/do they do it? obviously, there are a million divergent things about what each of these people stand/stood for, and what they believed about god, themselves, the world, etc. but also, doesn't it seem like there's something undeniably in-common between them? like they're tapping into some aspect of the human heart? i mean really - seriously. i do.

honestly, i have no idea what word to call that "thing" that opens our hearts and changes us like nothing else can change us. it's a crazy and totally nonverbal thing. but i guess "god" is as real and fundamental and mystical an explanation as any other that's possible. it's true. but, even so, calling it "god" doesn't really explain anything, anyway, does it? much more, it feels like it just points toward the truth that there's something vastly more beautiful and beyond our ability to express than we can possibly put our finger on. something like that. but, obviously, much more. it's a feeling. and we all know it when we see it.

for me, it's similar with ideas like "sin" or "repentance" or "hell" or "salvation." they're totally loaded terms, i know - so maybe it's unwise to use them? or maybe we should think up other, better, words that get at the same idea? could be. but, either way, i do think - regardless of what spiritual or religious system we identify with, or don't - most of us understand what it means to need forgiveness. i'm not religious or devout in any traditional sense, but i know i do. and, likewise, i think most of us know what it means to be hypocritical - to do things we know are wrong, to fail ourselves and those we love - and to see it in context only when it's too late to fix, etc. so, in that way, i think this feeling (or knowing) is in the guts of why so much of human culture, and why so many of the divergent spiritual traditions, have centered around similar urges and needs and emotional expressions. which, ultimately, isn't to say much, i know. ;) but still.

all of this is sort of embedded in episode 67. cuz i think the common religious motivations - while they've obviously been at the root of discord and dehumanization over the history of human civilization - can be different. and i think there's a lot more rooted similarity between us than any of us, or the pundits, or leaders with vested interests, ever allow for, or speculate. what's more, i think it's a very simple thing. the most natural thing - the truth that seeing ourselves in someone else changes everything. it's a simple and beautiful fact. but, what causes that kind of seeing? who knows? it's a mystery, right? maybe "god" again? i like that way of saying it. but, whatever we call it, that's what love is. and, forgiveness, whenever it happens, is the same thing. it's a letting go. it's the act seeing ourselves in our enemy - the other religion - the other political party - the other nation, color, belief. that's all falling-in-love ever is. god opening our hearts. and, amid the mess that we're in - here and now - it still happens.

if you have time, i hope you can listen to the podcast this week. i'd love to share it with you and hear how you see things. don't forget to befriend and support all of the artists featured on tonight's show!

true margrit - www.truemargrit.com
danny scherr - www.myspace.com/dannyscherr
toy house -www.myspace.com/toyhouse
gery tinkelberg - www.gtink.com
sam keen - www.samkeen.com

wishing a great week!
russell

Posted by russell at 05:29 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

digging in

i've been thinking a lot about relationships recently - things i've learned, things i'm still mystified about, stuff i'm learning as i go, stuff i deeply regret and wish i could do over, etc., etc. the more i let it sink in, and the older i get, the more it feels like this lifetime, unending, project of process? as if change and uncertainty is the norm? don't know if that makes sense? but it seems so to me. and the result is a bit of a mixed feeling for me. cuz, on one side, it feels daunting and overwhelming - and, on the other, it feels very simple, and as it should be. ultimately, i know it's ok (or has to be!) - the flexing back and forth beween being ok and not ok - the unsureness - the never-sureness.

specifically, i've been reading sam keen's book "to love and be loved," which - much as i feel like i've gone in and toward depth in all of these areas - is still showing me so many ways in which i'm missing the point endlessly - even now - seemingly unavoidably. and, i guess it's funny how that keeps happening, y'know? when i was younger it seems like i imagined that at some point i would more-or-less get a handle on all of this. or, did i??? honestly, i can't really remember for sure. maybe i just simply didn't think of it in those terms then? maybe that's more accurate? either way, these days, it's starting to look much more like an endlessly unfolding see-saw of awareness. and right now, i'm evidently in the "saw" portion - the cutting and stretching and pulling. it's not always comfortable. not often. and, all kidding aside, really - truth is - it just hurts.

i don't know what to do when things feels like this. there's obviously no escaping it. seems like the best we can do is put our noses forward, and keep going through it. happily, one of the amazingly helpful (god-blessed) things about feelings is that they do change. especially mine! ;) and there is an up side - because growing feels good. and learning new stuff feels good. and being challenged feels good. and making it through hard stuff feels good. so, anyway, all of this is to say that i just uploaded episode 66, and i hope you can take a listen. it's about this stuff in tangental ways - how our idealism fits into relationship, the feeling of seeing things new, calling your own bluff, the reality of making mistakes we should know better than to make, yet still make, etc. and so on.

sam keen says it best:
"the practice of love and wisdom, as i understand it, leads downward rather than upward, into the valley rather than to the mountaintop. the valley path involves paying extraordinary attention to ordinary things, events, persons..."

and even more to the point:
"the meaning of a thing is not different from the thing itself, it is only the thing fully seen. we come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

i didn't do a very good job of explaining my own take on the truth of these words in tonight's podcast. but i tried. and my heart's there - in all of its inarticulate, rambling, predictableness. i hope something comes through, regardless. because, truly, it seems to me there's a very deep and very real sense in which - if we show up as sam keen suggests - our lives and our relationships really can (and do) open and mature and expand in ways we can't predict or envision right now. and i want that for us. deeply. i want to do everything i can to be active and see the limitations i'm placing on things, and to work to make it better. obviously, i haven't achieved mastery at any of this (nor have many of us, i suspect), but the fact that these possibilities exist in the real world makes a big difference to me. i want to keep trying. because i know we can do something about it. just us - here. and all we have to do is open our eyes and look at each other. keep trying. and not let go. when it comes down to it, i think that's what true love means - to see imperfect people (which is each of us) wholly. sounds deceptively simple, right? i know. i guess it is in a way? but not too. it's that life-long learning thing. one of the hardest lessons. or. well. for me, anyway.

ideally, this is all just a conversation starter. i'd love to hear how you see it. so, if you have ideas, agree or disagree, i'm curious and interested. i hope you'll let me know. :)

check out sam keen at: www.samkeen.com
and nick guerrero at: www.myspace.com/nickguerrero

wishing you the best week!
russell

Posted by russell at 06:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the un-turkey

i don't have any big moral issue with eating meat. or with anybody else for what they eat, or why, or how they see that stuff. seems like a totally personal decision - sometimes complicated - motivated and informed by all kinds of social and cultural and emotional and familial factors. so, hopefully nobody takes my advocacy of tofu (and the tofurky link below) as any kind of judgement or preaching about meat. cuz it's not. i eat meat too. but - just for me personally - the whole meat thing has been something that's felt important to think about and be aware of. just for me in terms of myself. over time. and it's still an evolving awareness for me.

about 12 years ago, i hosted a thanksgiving - did the whole thing - and the process of cleaning and preparing the turkey just hit me for some reason. not sure why, even now. but it made me think. and, quite honestly, it left me sad. thoughtful. i know that probably sounds a little weird? i guess it is. it's hard to explain. but, through that experience - and whatever unknown confluence of forces brought me there (who knows???) - the physical reality of the meat industry sorta sank in for the first time. just - the nuts and bolts - the blood and bones mechanics of it. i mean, id been around meat before. all my life. there was nothing special or exceptional about that thanksgiving. but, for some reason, i saw it differently. and, in the very tactile act of lifting the bird, washing it, running my fingers along the inside of its ribs, the dismembered neck, the thawing organs - i realized that there was no way i'd've ever been able to kill this animal. much less stomach the mass processing of a slaughterhouse - deal with the mess, the mortality, the blood, etc. so, in that moment - me with the feetless, headless, bird, thawing in the sink - i changed somehow. but, like i say, i still dont understand it. maybe it doesn't make sense? probably. but i still feel it.

so, it's a pretty simple thing for me really. just a feeling. a question i ask myself. even now. i'm not a vegetarian. never will be, i suspect. but i do tread lightly when it comes to meat. simply because i feel a responsibility to (try to, as best as i can) be responsible about the impact of my choices. for me, the key seems to be about somehow finding the balance between owning the true cost of our decisions, and living and embracing real life with people we love - as a guest, family member, partner, friend, neighbor, customer. it's not usually a straight line, or a black and white decision. obviously. it's bendy. depends on context. but the bottom line - the being aware of how what we do affects others, the world - feels essential to me. and that part - regardless of what specific decision we come up with, or what we do or dont do - is a moral decision. for me, anyway.

and it feels pretty much true everywhere - politically, personally, emotionally, nationally. i don't want my food choices to cause harm, or my voting or religious or ideological or social actions. i want to keep pushing, be aware, ask questions - about why and how and if what i'm doing is the best it can be. cuz i want it to be. and, invariably, embarrassingly, it isn't. which is just human, i guess? i know. but it's frustrating. and ok and necessary too. still, the trying to make it better feels important and needed. doesn't it? so i am. keeping on trying.

anyway, just in case anybody's looking for alternatives,
here's what i'm having tomorrow - www.tofurky.com

happy thanksgiving to everybody, :)
russell

Posted by russell at 07:17 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

thanksgiving

this week is thanksgiving in the u.s., so, predictably, perhaps (?), this week's podcast finds me thinking about what i'm thankful for, and digressing a bit about where we've been so far in 2007. we've had some great (and much appreciated!) guests the past few weeks, so its been a while since i've been able to sit down and ramble on about the feelings of the moment. which, depending on your perspective, may not be such a bad thing! :) either way, i want to say again how thankful i am to both curt yagi and john levitt for sharing their time and work with me. it's been a huge honor to share what they're doing with you. if you haven't already, i hope you'll go back and listen to episodes 63 and 64.

and, obviously, i also hope you'll check out episode 65! admittedly, i was more than a little inarticulate tonight. but i hope some of my heart comes through regardless. cuz, cliché as it may be, what im most thankful for - above everything - are the people in my life. which is to say, you. for real. for taking time, for reading this, for listening, sharing, and simply being here with me. sounds simple. maybe even simplistic? i know. and it is. and it isn't. bottom line - i just want to be able to talk about the truth of my heart. and i want to hear yours. and im thankful that were here together. and that it's possible. and happening!

when it comes to thanksgiving, i realize that there's plenty of controversy, and plenty of legitimate reason to be cynical about how and why the holiday, the day itself, exists as it does. the history of it. the reality of it, as most-commonly perceived and experienced in the culture of the u.s., etc. and so, in that sense, it does feel crucial to give recognition and space and respect for the deep truth of unspeakable suffering that was conducted in the name of cultural and religious and national imperialism (for just one example, see: the trail of tears). and, for the deeper sense in which the legacy of this continues to linger and reverberate throughout native american culture today. it's something that most of us (as immigrants, or descendents of immigrants) dont like to face or look at or deal with. but, whatever side of this we find ourselves on, its a big deal. and it makes sense that - from the native american perspective - there's not a whole lot to be thankful for at thanksgiving. at least not historically.

in a compelling and related way, one of the most elegant responses to violence i know of is the annual thanksgiving sunrise gathering held every year by native american groups on alcatraz island. it's often popularly referred to as an "un-thanksgiving,"but, what strikes me most is the peace and grace and beauty of the statement. the symbology of night turning into day. the location - a rocky island, amidst the windblown remnants of a prison - at the edge of the continent, looking in, remembering both future and past - together. its strange, i know - but often, the most truthful responses to violence are also the most silent. seems so in this case. to me, anyway.

in and around all of this - for me - i do believe we can, and should, use thanksgiving as a true spiritual and relational opportunity. a chance to build bridges. a chance to grow. a chance to challenge ourselves, and reach out, and open. it can be. whatever it's been in the past, whatever darkness or blindness or arrogance has shrouded or veiled it's ability to reach us - whether you agree or disagree - we can re-create it right here and now. and, really, for any holiday to have true significance, i think this kind of appropriation and participation is required. cuz, the truth is, it's up to us. you and me, right here. we can. i think this is the only way that real change ever happens. in a roundabout way, that's what i was struggling to say with episode 65. i hope some of it came through. and, if you have a chance, i'd love to share it with you.

for more information on the thanksgiving sunrise gathering,
visit this page, and this page.

hope all is well where you are,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:03 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i believe in listening

listening makes a difference. i believe it. it's one of the biggest gifts we can ever give to another person - to pay attention - take the time to hear what's really being said, connect, and sit with another perspective - connect our lives with someone else. it's an act of love. really and truly. as simple as that. i believe it. i think it's true in our relationships - with our friends, families - and in the wider world too - art and music, even politics. they're not as opposite or disconnected as they might appear. quite the opposite. i think they're part of the same conversation. or, they can be. we just need to open our hearts, and let them. a song or a poem, letting somebody in, becoming a fan - they're not so unlike a friendship afterall. i love that this is so simple. and so true.

and, in this sense, tonight's podcast goes to the heart of what inspires me most about music and community, and why i believe in the possibility of local songwriting and performance. it's why i do music. it's why i can't resist. it's why i love sharing it with others, and hearing how you see the same things. and it's why i'm completely thankful to all of the artists who took time to say hi and bring their music with us this week. i'm excited to share what they're doing with you! as you'll hear, there are some absolutely beautiful, songs embedded in the podcast tonight. no overstatement. just fact. i hope you'll take time to check out the artists linked below, say hi, support their cds, go to their shows, friend them on myspace, tell your friends, etc., etc., etc. your act of listening and participation makes a difference. as a singer/songwriter, i know how much it means to hear back from people. i know how much it means to connect with somebody, break through - the feeling of being heard. it means a lot! so if you have time, i hope you will.

as i mentioned in the show, my hope is that margrit and heather and curt and leslie and gery will keep sharing with the podcast, and continue to bring what they're doing to all of our attention. i'd love to play more of their music, share their events and ideas, and include you in the process. and the same is true for everybody who listens. i'm thankful for you, and appreciate that you're here sharing this with me. your ideas and impressions and likes and dislikes are always welcome here. i hope you'll say hi.

tonight's featured songs are:
everyone wins - by true margrit
on the one - by sparklebritches
when i think of you - by curt yagi
black and white - by leslie gage
little by little - by gery tinkelberg
uncurl - by true margrit

also, special thanks to spider mills for thoughtfully pointing me toward the concept of "human revolution" as referenced by josei toda, and the tradition of soka gakkai. i've been reading and learning about all of this as a result, and hopefully i'll get a chance to talk about it soon. it's interesting stuff.

and, please check out the work going on at - www.rocksf.org . special thanks to curt for sharing this. they accept donations and volunteers. both of which are worthwhile.

given the state of things in our hearts and in the world - how out-of-control art and commerce so often seem - this feels good doesn't it? listening truly does change stuff. i believe it. episode 60 is a small example, i recognize. but it's a start. i'm excited about it.

all the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:20 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

birthday wishes

i'm wistful tonight. it's my birthday. i'm 35. and it's good. i have so much to be thankful for, and i am. without a doubt. but i've also been thinking back on things - memories, hopes, people - and find myself a little lost in thought. a little melancholy. and hopeful too. it's that impossible-to-describe mix of both. i don't know why exactly. some of it's probably just natural brain emotional birthday stuff. and some of it probably has to do with finding out about the death of brendan over the weekend. not sure exactly. but, whatever the cause, i'm a little sad.

i've been thinking a lot about people i love who aren't here. missing them - recalling things i could've and should've done better and more and differently - frustrated by life's apparent "no-do-overs" policy... which is just one of those things that totally and completely sucks, doesn't it? so, i don't know. just the everyday feeling of time passing, i guess? overall, i'm struck by how simultaneously permanent and impermanent everything is. how hard it is to predict, and get it right the first time. and how in so many ways the past feels like a dream that never happened, and yet i'm completely emotionally affected and immersed in the reality and result of it. even now. i guess that's what hurts most of all? for me it is. and that's the part i don't how to face or deal with.

my wise, mature, side totally realizes that moving forward and working and giving our whole selves to reality and the possibility of change is the most important thing. i'm giving my heart to that. and trying. day by day. i'm not giving up. but there's also the parallel truth of regret and ache and longing and just-plain-sadness that pervades, and doesn't go away. it's the unavoidable, inexplicable truth in the process sometimes. can't escape it. i think most of us feel that way. and most of the time we know that good taste or decorum or spin requires us to cover it up and pretend to be ok and balanced and at peace with lots of stuff we're not really balanced or ok or at peace with. funny. maybe that's just life? probably. and maybe that sort of pretending is necessary and important and part of being real and mature and strong and loving? i see that too. it seems true. maybe.

but, within and around what's "ok" or "healthy" or "unhealthy," the truth is always that - as good and strong and ok as we are - we're also human. always. which means broken. and beautiful. and alone, and never alone. all simultaneously. we're all living with that uncertainty - the paradox - the loss of it. and, though some of us feign the opposite, we don't really know what it means. or, definitely not me, anyway! i don't. all of our ideas and beliefs and personas and strengths and weaknesses and talents are left on this side of the equation. and what's on the other side? what happens when we have to let go of all of our trusted illusions? even the healthy, "well-adjusted", ones??? what happens when trust and letting go is all that's left? can we do it? cuz, whenever we talk about doubt or fear or death, i think that's what we're really talking about. real letting go - the uncontrolled kind. the forced kind. it's scary, no doubt. bone scary. because none of us know what it's about. all the rules are new there. and there's nothing of substance i can really say about it, obviously. my words only serve to untie my words. i only feel it. and i suspect you probably know the feeling too. when we get there, faith isn't a choice anymore. it's just a simple, obvious, unavoidable, fact. there's nothing else left.

that's one side. and then there's the truth that i'm endlessly blessed in so many ways i could never fully comprehend. it's one of the perfect mysteries that i can't really grasp or even understand. i see just enough of it to be in awe... i'm struck by how beautiful it is. i don't understand, but i'm thankful. the hurt and the blessing. how beautiful it is to feel wistful and sad. how beautiful it is to not understand and to have limited time and to ache for it to be opposite. it makes no sense. i know. but it seems true to me.

birthday's are good. remembering is good. we get to try again. it reminds me of you and me together. here and now. how once-in-a-lifetime this is. i wanna do something good with it. i don't wanna miss it. that's my wish for year 36. i want the whole world to change all over again. i don't wanna be afraid. and i want to share it with you.

thanks for being here,
russell

Posted by russell at 08:14 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

feeling defies explanation

several times over the past few months, i've mentioned wanting to do a show about "why simplemuzik is free," and, happily, this week is it! mostly, per usual, it's just me rambling on about inspiration, and feeling, and motivation. but i'm curious about how it is for you too, and fascinated that it's seen and felt and experienced so differently for each of us. from a personal perspective, i'm really humbled to have had the opportunities i've had to reach people, and connect, and communicate and share through music. it's a huge blessing - always. and i feel the same way about the podcast, and talking, and the fact that you're here now reading this and sharing with me. there aren't really any words that get at the truth of my gratitude. but i'm very thankful for it. i hope it shows.

from a creative perspective, there seems to be something essential and important about why we do what we do. doesn't there??? it's not often evident on the surface - but deep down - the inexplicable feeling or connection that a song or painting or person has on us, always seems connected to the root of intent - how we open our hearts, listen, participate, engage. often we can't express it, or talk about it in any rational way. but we still know the difference. and we know the real thing when we see it. it matters. and i think's it's true of life too - in the larger sense - life itself as art - the living and trying and failing and falling and getting up over and over again. again and again. this is the sense in which every moment, and every decision to try again, and not give up, re-creates everything.

for me, that's all art is. it might come in the form of a song, or a poem, or a hard days work - or in simply taking the time to really listen to somebody who needs you to listen. there are as many opportunities as there are moments in our lives. but, whenever it really happens - truly - deeply - it's always an individual expression of our hearts in relation to those around us, our own feeling, and the intermingling of the endless tangents and variations in-between. painful, powerful, aching, true. and very beautiful. i definitely don't understand it. but it feels this way.

if you have time, i hope you'll take a listen to episode 59. i'd love to share it with you and hear how you see it.

don't forget to visit the links:
danny scherr - www.myspace.com/dannyscherr
jonah matranga - www.jonahmatranga.com

also, as a reminder, liz angelucci and i have two shows this week, and we'd love to share either (or both!) of them with you... they are:

wednesday, october 10 - liz and i are sharing a set at el rio - 3158 mission st (@ cesar chavez), san francisco. show starts approx. 8pm.

and friday, october 12 - i'm playing guitar for liz at the red vic - 1665 haight st. @ cole, san francisco. show starts approx. 8pm.

you can always get more info on upcoming shows at - www.simplemuzik.com/rdshows.htm and www.elizabethangelucci.com.

hope you're well!
russell

Posted by russell at 01:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the smallest changes change everything

episode 58 is here! it's more about love - part II from last week - picking up where we left off. as i think it over, and talk with more people, i'm realizing more and more how life and decision-making - as a whole - is a never-endingly complicated thing to do. i mean, it's easy and natural in a sense too. yes. most definitely. but, whenever we take time to stop and think back and ponder the ramifications of our decisions, or how we might've done things differently - how things might've been - it quickly becomes messy. cuz how can we untangle cause and effect? it's crazy, right? yet it's everywhere - in every decision - be it career or family or relationship. or love. the smallest changes change everything. and the smallest nuance of feeling (caused by the smallest nuance of circumstance) is often what informs our decision-making most. far more than facts or formulae or logic. much as we might not like to admit it.

and, in that sense, life is sorta like our own personal everyday version of chaos theory. or it seems like that sometimes. a butterfly flaps it's wings, or someone looks at us in a certain way, or says a word we associate with another time or place or memory, and the resulting tsunami may as well be emotional as physical. both are equally unpredictable. the choices we make, the version of reality we accept, how we see the world, our perceptions of experience... what convinces us? what makes us feel for others, or not? or that our life is going down the wrong track? or that change is needed? it often makes no linear sense. but life seems to go something like that. chaotically - which is also to say - intuitively.

as wikipedia puts it:
"chaos theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under specific conditions exhibit dynamics that are sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random, because of an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions. This happens even though these systems are deterministic in the sense that their future dynamics are well defined by their initial conditions, and with no random elements involved. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos."

or, as i prefer it:
"stuff is complicated, and it's impossible to really figure out why."

life has been feeling like that for me lately. not sure why. i guess the biggest part of growing up is realizing our own limits? how we don't really control the things we think we control? seems so. and i know this in lots of ways. and know that i don't know too. i'm at peace with both. sometimes. but then there are times when i really feel the reality and consequence of it. the pain part. and it just hurts. and i'm lost, and confused, and unsure of everything. i'm still growing up, still feeling the see-saw of back and forth, up and down, sure and insecure. i wonder if it ever feels done? are we ever ok? i'd love to talk to people who are older and have insight into their experiences here (if you're out there, i hope you'll tell me how you see it...) if i had to guess, i'd suspect we're always "growing up" - even at 70 or 80 or 90 years old. maybe "human" itself is just another way of saying "immature"? maybe you can't have one without the other? sometimes it feels like that. and, somehow, the idea of endless growing up helps me. it makes me feel less alone. more ok that it's not ok.

but when it comes to love - or, whatever it is that we refer to with those words - i'm in awe... of how beyond our control it is - how much we need it - how vulnerable we are without it - how simple and mind-numbingly complex it all is. it's humbling to realize how fragile we are. all of us. and, as i've said before, i believe it can be the root of our ability to see humanity in others. which is sort of the same thing, isn't it? maybe love itself is the act of connecting another person to ourselves? seeing another person in ourselves? being one with someone else? i think so. the hard part, of course, is making that journey from me to you. even when we understand it intellectually, fear and insecurity and loneliness can paralyze and blind us. and it's easy to get trapped in our own insulated fantasies and excuses and delusions of what we need and who (we believe) the people around us are. shameful as it is, that's where i am most of the time. and it's scary. cuz those limits are completely human and natural too. so what do we do?

there are no simple answers. but the only possibility i see seems connected to letting go. surrender. opening. telling the truth. and taking responsibility to give what we're looking for. to try. it's our job. always. and it's hard as hell! i know cuz i'm always getting it wrong too. i'm here with you, wanting it to change - not knowing how to start - trying to get it right. and learn and see and grow up. i think we can. and i think we need each other to get there. really, deeply, truly.

if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to episode 58. it's me rambling on about some nearly related things - live from a hotel room in portland oregon. i'd love to share it with you, and hear how you see it.

don't forget to visit the cobalt season at - thecobaltseason.com
also, a reminder - there's free music at - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik")

hoping your week is the best,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:37 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

love and other things.

as promised over the weekend, episode 057 is here! the show wasn't planned, so basically just amounts to me playing a few songs and spouting off stream-of-consciousness about love and regret and passion and history - how they intertwine and weave and feel with hindsight and perspective. it's a common topic for me, i know - but one of my favorites. especially when i'm travelling and wistful and out of the habit of routine. whenever i stop to remember where i've come from, and how life has gone (so far), i'm struck by the simultaneous feeling of being the same person i've always been, and also completely different and altered by time and experience and perspective. i guess this is just what it means to grow up? i know. but it's a weird feeling. i guess both are true somehow?

also, i'm a little sheepish to be going on about love again. seems like i talk about it a lot - which i recognize, and apologize for. hopefully you don't mind too much, and there are (at least) some aspects you'll find interesting and/or relateable in all of this. honestly, to me, it feels like we've just scratched the surface. someday soon i'd like to do another show specifically about relationship, and love, and expectation - romance, disappointment, longing - the impossibleness of it, the amazingness of it, etc. i'm especially interested in how you see that side. what do you think? good idea? bad idea?

either way, if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to episode 57. i'm interested how you see it - if you relate, or don't, or see things i'm missing, getting wrong, etc. i hope you'll let me know.

wishing you a great week,
russell

ps - i'm home now, but will be out of town for the rest of the week. don't know exactly what day the next podcast will be, but everything should be back on schedule by next week... thanks for your patience...

pps - oh, and many thanks to everyone who came out to ireland's 32 last night! it was fun, and a huge honor to share it. the show went well, and we've booked another one (slyway with varona) for sunday, december 9. if you missed last night, you shouldn't miss the next one! :)

Posted by russell at 05:15 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

progress is progress

tonight's podcast is about giving and trying and listening and growing. and hoping. they're all sorta related, aren't they? different versions of a similar thing? i think so. and i think they're natrually at the root of possibility for change and relationship - or the change in relationship - that exists between us, in our families, with friends, enemies, between nations, religions, cultures, etc. and it's funny, cuz this theme seems to keep popping up for me in different places and with different writers, and movies, and songs, and people i meet. ever since i first mentioned erich fromm several months back, lots of people have recommended his book "the art of loving" to me. i've been reading it this week, and it's exactly what everyone's been saying - mind expanding, revolutionary, honest, real, true, deeply challenging. yep. honestly, i haven't ready anything by fromm that isn't those things! and this book just continues his perfect score (with me, anyway).

most of my rambling tonight is about the book, and my thoughts and feelings in relation. the thing i most appreciate about fromm is the sense of iconoclasm he brings - in the true sense of "breaking images" - the challenging sense - the call for personal revolution. that's what happens to me whenver i stop and take time to really listen and engage with what he's saying and where he's coming from. he does that for me everytime. i don't know how. but he always inspires me to think more, push myself, talk, and try to share and open up dialog with others. so, as you'll see if you listen, that's pretty much where i was tonight.

one of the things i forgot to mention in the show is the idea of "respect," and how closely it's related to real love and seeing. as i type this, it's the thing that's hitting me most deeply. fromm talks about the root of the word respect ("respicere" = to look at), and how it relates to every relationship, or act of love towards another person. it's related (maybe even identical?) to the concept of "seeing from someone else's perspective" we've talked about before. and it seems deeply true to me. and new. every time i hear it, and experience it, and apply it to a different part of life, it's like i'm seeing it again for the first time. it's something i seem to always need to keep learning over and over. again and again.

fromm reminds us:
"To respect a person is not possible without knowing him.... It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms. I may know, for instance, that a person is angry, even if he does not show it overtly; but I may know him more deeply than that; then I know that he is anxious, and worried; that he feels lonely, that he feels guilty. Then I know that his anger is only the manifestation of something deeper, and I see him as anxious and embarrassed, that is, and the suffering person, rather than as the angry one..."

amazingly true right? most of the time we're (or, i'm) so busy feeling my feelings and reacting to my reactions, that i forget to go beyond the walls of my own emotional illusions. i get lost and forget that my feelings and reactions are not why other people act the way they do in the world. my feelings and reactions are not why people are who they are and do what they do. they're just my side of the story. and love is about travelling that distance - from me to you. love is about noticing the difference. and being patient about it. and taking responsibility to transcend it.

but it's still a mystery. even when we get that glimpse of realization. cuz what is it that allows us to trust someone - to delve in - to care, listen, try, hear, relate? i don't know. but i'm deeply humbled by the power we all have to give this to each other. to be patient. to understand. to transcend how something feels, and go deeper, toward understanding. that's the kind of life i want. i suck at it most of the time, and fail seemingly endlessly. i gotta admit it. i'm broken. but that's not so unlike many of us out here, is it? and, in that sense, i guess it has to be ok? for all of us. cuz it just is. we are what we are. and the key is not giving up - that we keep trying. over and over again. and over and over. cuz i do see progress. really and truly. it's frustratingly slow - yes, no doubt - but still. progress is progress. i'm thankful for it.

thanks for being here tonight, listening, and reading with me. i'm touched and happy that we can share this together. really.

don't forget to check out:
more info on erich fromm and his book the art of loving.

i'm sending my heart,
russell <3

ps - as mentioned, i'll be in and out of town the next few weeks, so the podcast schedule will be a little off for a bit. i apologize! but, yes, podcasting will continue - just a little out of the normal sync. :)

pps - many xtra special thanks to julius caesar for sharing his music with us!

Posted by russell at 05:08 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

coincidence of opposites

seems we all have a shadow side - where we go, or how we are, when we're in over our heads, overwhelmed, lost. it's not a good feeling. the last week has been rough for me in that sense. i've had lots of chances to observe myself, and the feeling of being not ok - spinning, emotionally overstimulated, etc. that's me sometimes. and it's one of those parts of me i wish wasn't true. i wish i was stronger, and more capable of bouncing back and being my better self in every moment and with everyone around me. i want to. but i'm weak. i fail a lot. there are so many areas i need to grow in and get better at. and, even worse, there are things i've been trying to work on for years and years and years - only to see that i haven't made any progress - that i'm further back now than when i started. how do we face that and keep trying? how do we find balance? i wish i knew. i mean - i know we can. somehow. but it doesn't always feel like it.

so, despite how it feels, i think there's something important to see in all of this - even (or because???) it's so difficult - the feeling of having failed, of having missed the point completely, of being incapable of finding it, or making it right. why does that make us so panic-y? it's weird. must be about insecurity, i guess? our weaknesses and failures remind us that we're incomplete, needy, broken. which we are. and which we hate, and try to run away from constantly, desperately. so, i guess, when failure looks us in the eye, and we can't get away - it's just one of those grudgingly needed reminders that we're not enough on our own. that we can't do it alone. we can't get there. all of our effort isn't quite enough. not even close. or, mine isn't, anyway. so, what do we do?

it's hard to take - but maybe that insolubility is the very thing that makes it possible to learn, and move, and do, and be more in the world?

i wonder. cuz within and around all of this, the bottom line feels somehow connected to the idea that darkness and light (+ and -), though opposites, aren't disconnected. weakness and strength, "good" and "bad," inside and outside. maybe they're not as opposite as they feel? maybe they work together somehow, and need each other, and only mean something in relation to each other? like flesh and bone? music and silence? space and time? i know it's sounds a little counter-intuitive, but - looking back at my life with some perspective - it seems like there's something real there. love and compassion and truth can (and do) come from desperation and failure and brokenness. they're opposites in way, yes - and different for sure - but they also act as complements, context, contrast. i don't get it. don't understand it. can't explain it. but it does seem true. i wonder how you see it?

if you can, i hope you'll take a listen to tonight's show. it's a short one! :)

links:
jonas - www.simplemuzik.com/artist-jonas.html
nick guerrero - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
free mp3's - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik").

also, again, my deepest thanks go out to jerry at blog.goldfishandclowns.com for his incredibly kind words and support. i hope you'll take some time to visit his blog and listen to what he's doing.

hope your week is the best!
russell

ps - the secret ending is from alan watts. if you haven't already, check him out.

Posted by russell at 05:08 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the real thing

what's it mean to be real? really real? deeply? vulnerably? it's one of those weird things for me. cuz it's totally simple on one hand, and at the same time, impossible to really explain with words. in that sense, i guess it's not unlike a lot in life? real truth, love, heart, faith. what are they like? how do we tell the real thing from the fake? how do we know which is which? seems we know when we see it, but can't often explain it, or quantify, or objectify it. and, even more - how do we get our values right, and ask the right questions (esp. of ourselves!), so we can tell the difference? i don't know. i'm definitely not there yet. but i think it's important to ask.

it's an important part of how and where we place value in the world too. how we make choices, what we do. cuz whatever the real truth is, we know it's more than surface. and we know it defies our preconception, our ideas, our attempts to label and confine. and i wonder how this mixes with the truth of our vulnerability (imperfection, brokenness) - the just-plain-messiness of it - the ugly and incomplete and (we fear) unloveable parts we all try to hide. sometimes the "real us" just doesn't feel good. cuz it's not good. and in that sense - let's be honest - sometimes "real" is the opposite of what we want, right? it's that way for me, anyway.

part of doing the podcast from week to week is about me facing this in myself. cuz there are lots of parts of me i don't like - parts i wanna run away from - stuff i wanna pretend isn't me. it can be scary as hell. and i guess that's where the urge to cover up and be superficial and false and controlling and narrow-minded comes from? it's a protection - both from ourselves and others. and it makes sense in that context. in a way. cuz alongside "real" comes unpredictable and uncontrollable and confusion and powerlessness and frustration and - well... suffering. that's the bad part. it's a mystery how it works, but they do seem connected. we long and idealize passion and courage and strength and vulnerability - and then, when we get them, lament that they come with their shadow sides of obsession and stubbornness and hostility and weakness. it's an insane, beautiful, mind-numbingly painful, amazing, paradox. i don't know the answer.

but, the deeper truth, or insight, seems to point toward the fact that all of our attempts to control and manipulate and be what we think we're supposed to be - all the trying and pushing and judging - are just games and illusions. they don't bring us what we're looking for. they don't protect us. they don't connect us. they don't make the bad stuff go away. they just lead us in circles - further and further from ourselves and others. i see it. i know it. and yet - contradictingly - here i am, continuing to do it. funny, huh? :)

thinking about all of this, it seems to come down to the fact that life is never over and done and finished as long as we're living. we're always in the loop of trying and learning and being wrong, half right, a nano-second behind the curve, lost, found, almost there - but never quite. and that just hurts. that's what a lot of living is about, it seems. we can't escape it. and i have no idea why. but - amidst this - it does seem that we can choose our orientation and response to all of these realities. our reaction makes a difference. our choices make a difference. and if we're gonna have real strength, i suspect that's where it has to come from.

so, i don't know. as always, just where my heart and thoughts are tonight. i hope you're well. and i'm thankful you're here.

links:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nick guerrero (of the nick g hard drive) - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
nico (aka "neek maxwell") - www.myspace.com/neekbailey
free mp3's - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik").

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

the truth is good

a few weeks back when amanda was our guest, we talked and wondered out loud about why it's so scary to admit being weak or wrong, or desperate, incomplete, lonely, needy, etc., etc., etc. and i still wonder. it seems so ingrained in us - the stiff upper lip - "everything's ok" even when it's not, etc. why do we do that? what are we so afraid of? i don't know. but whatever it is, it seems to be a deep part of us - part of society itself, and how we measure our worth in the world. and, paradoxically, oppositely, it also seems that we deeply long for a safe place to be ourselves. don't we? so why all the subterfuge? we all know better anyway, right? we all know we're imperfect, and that others are too. yet here we are. day after day. pretending for each other. or ourselves?

and i guess maybe that's why it feels so revolutionary whenever we feel protected and at home and ok for being wherever (and whoever) we are emotionally, developmentally, intellectually, spiritually - all of it. just as we are. and yet, often, society and the world (and we) are so viciously judgmental when others show us the truth. why? is it because weakness in others reminds us of our own? i think so sometimes. and, if so, why the need to be so perfect all the time? why the need to put our best (false) face forward, even when it's the complete opposite of how we really feel inside? when it adds to the hostility and insecurity and fear and loneliness we're all afflicted with??? i mean, it's weird, right?

then again, maybe it's not so weird too? cuz, while i talk big and emotional a lot of the time, i'm also right here in the middle of it - doing the hiding and pretending every day, constantly - running scared, trying to control and figure and posture, pretending. and i know better. but i still do it. so, yes. me too. i'm trying to cover up and make like everything's ok when it's not - that i'm independent, strong, poised, on point, calm, cool, collected, so on. but i'm not. not usually, anyway. and it doesn't feel good to pretend, y'know? it feels lonely. and false. and i suspect a lot of the emotional and relational estrangement (and stress and dysfunction) we experience in the world (and with each other) comes from the dualism that's so naturally expected from all of us. i wonder if it's possible to get past all of this and create a different kind of reality? i really hope so. i want to.

so, in retrospect, i think episode 51 is about this. it's just me, stream-of-consciousness, sloppily trying to explain my desire for it to be better for all of us. it's me trying. and honestly, as i type this, i'm also more than a little embarrassed and sheepish about posting, or admitting, or saying any of this. partly cuz i'm worried about being perceived exactly as i admit to being in the show - desperate, weird, simplistic, naive, cliche, etc., etc. and the most difficult truth of all is that it's all true of me. every bit. i am naive and cliche and desperately needy. yes. so, there's that. and, on the other side, as i mentioned, i realize my hipocrisy - how i cling to my walls and safe places and securities, even now, even here. but i wanna be better. for both of us. and i'm trying to break out. brokenly and imperfectly. i got a long way to go.

anyway, if you're interested in this stuff, i hope you'll join me for episode 51. and i hope you'll share and tell me how you see things. cuz i'm thankful you're here.

show links:
nick guerrero - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
free mp3's - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik").
my upcoming shows - can be seen here.

wishing you the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:26 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

tammy faye

my plan for this week's podcast was to talk about song lyrics and life and idealism vs. compromise - how they mix with our decisions, relationships, dreams, etc. and episode 48 is about that, for sure. but, when i heard about the passing of tammy faye messner earlier this week, everything shifted for me. cuz, in a lot of ways, my whole experience with christianity and faith and religion has been lived alongside the life and times of tammy faye, ptl, etc. as a young kid, i remember the feeling of being emotionally open and naive about religion, watching jim and tammy on uhf - me in the bay area, they in the bible belt. it felt like another world. i'll always remember being mesmerized and attracted and curious - in awe of what life in the "christian-usa" must be like. and then, in the later 80's, as my conscience developed, i found myself joining the throngs in condemnation of the bakker's extravagence and abuse of position and power. as i mention in the show, looking back - even now - the response of disgust to the kind of arrogance shown by the ptl organization seems appropriate. agreed. but, what about jim and tammy themselves? i mean, as people? the human side? where's the line between correcting abuse, and complete demonization and destruction of an individual or family? is there a line? seems like there should be. to me, anyway.

when the documentary "the eyes of tammy faye" came out in 2000, i saw a whole different side of tammy, and realized i'd been unfair. through my own heart and feelings (or lack thereof), i'd taken part in uncritically dismissing her as a person. and, in so doing, i'd missed a lot! i'd missed the whole core of who tammy faye was, and what she stood for. i'd missed a woman who courageously stood up for her convictions and loved others unconditionally, completely, revolutionarily. i'd missed an entire universe of beauty and strength and compassion. and why? because of her make up, her style, her singing, her involvement in scandal? how shallow of me, right? i'm ashamed to admit it. but it's the truth.

so, last week, when i saw tammy on larry king, talking about hope and fighting for things to be better - not giving up in the face of certain loss - living in love to the end, defiantly. i was stunned and humbled, and in awe of her indomitable spirit. i don't claim to know what "god" is in any objective sense. but, whatever she/he/it is, there's no doubt that tammy faye was in touch with it. god was surely living through her heart and soul and spirit. and, at the end of life, i don't think there's anything more any of us could ever dream or hope to be true of us. in this sense tammy deserves our unreserved respect and honor. and she has mine, unequivocally.

there's a lot more bubbling around in my feeling and heart tonight, but this is some of what tammy faye has taught me. most of all - she stands as a beautiful and courageous reminder that we can change. the force of love and openness make a difference. all it takes is for us to open our eyes, and start. tammy proved it. she lived a difficult life, filled with imperfections, and disappointments, and loss - as we all do. she had every right to be bitter and to lose faith and surrender. but she never did. she stood up, opened her arms, and showed up, relentlessly, fully - all the way to the end. it's not much, i know, but my heart and thankfulness and deepest respect go out to tammy faye and her family and friends and those who knew her tonight. i will never forget.

if you can, i hope you'll visit the links below, and take a listen to episode 48.

featured music:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nick guerrero - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
kris hauch - www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" - www.myspace.com/streetpiano

if you're interested in learning more about tammy faye,
there's some good memorial and bio information here.
there's also an article on tammy faye at wikipedia here.
"the eyes of tammy faye" documentary can be found here.
tammy's last interview with larry king can be seen on youtube here.
tammy's son jay leads the "revolution church" in nyc.

and, on the other side, as mentioned in the show,
you can find way of the master radio at - www.wayofthemasterradio.com

the lyrics i read were from songs by:
the indigo girls - www.indigogirls.com
(learn more about indigo girls on wikipedia here.)
you can hear the indigo girls perform "love's recovery" live (on youtube) here.
and
ani difranco - www.righteousbabe.com/ani/
(learn more about ani difranco on wikipedia here.)
you can hear ani's remix of "joyful girl" on youtube here.
(please note: this isn't the original version from the album "dilate"
i referenced. the remix is ok, but i still like the original better.)

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (49) | TrackBacks (0)

passion and intelligence

i sorta meandered from the title on tonight's show, but hopefully it still feels connected somehow. but, even if not, i do think there's something beautiful and true in the idea that passion (interest, curiosity, excitement) is deeply connected to whatever we mean when we talk about intelligence (or depth or innovation or genius). to my eye, it totally seems like they come from the same place. and maybe that's also why it seems, invariably, that the most incredibly minded people are often perceived as a bit off-kilter - weird, intense, etc. which isn't to say that "weird" necessarily equates to intelligence in any given case. cuz surely, "weird" for weird's sake is, sadly, often confused with originality. and there's lots of that going around, i know. but, all the same, on the other side, true iconoclasm and passion (and intelligence) are too-frequently dismissed as merely "weird for weird's sake." which is also a mistake. so, how do we tell which is which, or when? that's the tricky part. :)

authentic passion (the honest kind) - heart and soul and spirit and desire and dreams and interest - always seem (to me) indistinguishable from intellect and innovation and intuition and dynamism. they're like dovetails, or two sides of the same coin - naturally interrelated. i think so. and i'm in awe. cuz - thing is - it always comes in the most surprising forms, and from the most unexpected directions and sources. i think that's what's most amazing. whenever we write someone off, dismiss them as "weird," settle into a prejudice, or think we've got it figured out and ordered - we've got a recipe for change. it's as if our understanding of the world itself intuitively chafes against simplistic rationalization, and needs to stretch and grow and breathe. i don't understand it, but it's pretty cool to see. every time.

it's funny too, cuz in a world like ours - where "normal" is often admired as the greatest of all achievements, and standing out is feared and misjudged and viewed with suspicion - i think it's even more incredible that passion (intelligence) continues and thrives and never stops. for me, that's the most beautiful thing about life itself, being here together, imperfectly, learning from each other, being mistaken, and broken, and needy. sometimes i think it's these needs and incompletenesses themselves that inspire the greatest leaps forward. makes sense to me, as a metaphor. and it fits in with suffering too. i mean, when things aren't alright is when we're most inspired to look for answers, right? seems so. and i think there's something good in there. even though it's technically "not ok".

all that said - the courage and faith required to stand up and speak out of turn, with thought and feeling - to put our hearts on our sleeves, for real - to risk being rejected and misperceived and seen as weak and broken and lost - never ceases to inspire and awe me. seems like the most amazing revolutions are always the most personal, which is also to say the most dangerous. i wonder how you see it? dunno. maybe i'm wrong? could be. but it still feels true. and that's the kind of life i want. i want to be deeply (and really) connected with others. i wanna be honest. and i wanna hear and see the truth. don't know if you do too? i hope so. i suspect we all do. so, in my small way, the podcast, and the music, and the silliness of me typing right here and now, is me trying for that. with you. totally imperfectly. obviously. so, don't know what this means, if anything? but it feels important to try all the same. trying is all we've got. so maybe you'll join me? i hope so. i need you.

i guess episode 47 isn't really about any of this either. at least not explicitly. but it's sorta what's on my mind as i'm uploading. if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to the show and click around the links (below). i'd love to share it with you.

music links:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nico - www.myspace.com/neekbailey
nico's band, the mannequins - www.myspace.com/mannequinsmusic

check out bob's work at - www.visionaryartz.com

learn more about erich fromm on wikipedia. if you're interested, i also highly recommend his book psychoanalysis and religion. fascinating stuff! seriously.

thanks for reading all this and listening. it means a lot to me.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 04:08 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i believe we can change.

this week's show is about freedom. in a way. but, even more, it's about possibility, and hope, and change. and the way our lives unfold and open and stretch and evolve and learn to see. it's amazing, right? i think so. as i was re-listening and editing the show, it dawned on me (again) how frustratingly limited language is. and how little we can actually convey with words themselves. the real meaning is more of an intuitive direction than any specific thing you can point to. and it takes both of us (listening and trying) to ascertain that direction, and turn, and move toward it. but, anyway, that aside, i do wish i was better at conveying and sharing the truth in my heart and experience. i want to be.

thinking back on my life and choices, i see so many spots where i've misjudged situations, myself, others, limitations, possibilities, etc. in a significant way, these kinds of judgments - the way we see the world, our place, our relation to others - informs who we are, and what our lives are like. in a way, it is who we are, y'know? and i guess that's as it should be? perhaps. but it's also frustrating. especially in hindsight, when we realize the breadth of possibilities that actually existed at any given point - and how few of them we were actually aware of at the time - how our stories and mythologies about the world have forced us into boxes of illusion and limitation. and, alternatively, how - in another very real sense - limitations and illusions become facts when we believe them. like stone. the stories we tell ourselves make a difference. both for good and bad. they create possibility, and take it away.

this is the conundrum of human life, i guess? we're all limited. we all yearn for more freedom. it's nothing new. and here i am doing it all over again, cuz i want to grow and learn more. i wanna keep pushing. i wanna see where i'm missing the point, and be in touch with the real possibilities out there. how do we do it? how can we change things? what can we do to break through in our relationships with each other? to make life better for all of us? it can happen. it's idealistic, i know. but i can't help it. i believe. what can i say?

it's funny how the idea of "freedom" fits into all of this too. so often, we think of freedom as simply our ability to do what we want without restraint. and it is. that's important, no doubt. but what about the restraints that come from our own limitations? the internal ones? the ones we create? our own predjudice and blindness? how do we get over those? how do we come to see past and through them? deeply, i think we need each other for that. and i think, sometimes, being encumbered and thwarted and restrained is the very thing that forces us to go inward and check and push on our limitations. so, it's a mystery. i don't understand. but it does seem clear that problems and brokenness and not getting what we want are sometimes the exact right medicine we need to grow and heal and learn and see anew.

when we approach life with that attitude - that there's something to be gained from failure, loss, disappointment, regret, suffering... the world transforms. it's doesn't often feel good, for sure. and we can't conjure it on command, just cuz we should, or cuz we want it. but, when we really do see the truth of it - the beautiful difficulty of it - everything is different. so, that's what i'm working for, and struggling toward. brokenly. a real revolution of heart and soul and passion. an independence day, every day. that's what i want for both of us.

if you have time, i hope you'll listen to episode 45. i'd love to hear your thoughts, where you think i'm nuts, or if you see a better way to think of this, or explain it. more than anything, i'm thankful that you're here with me.

also, hope you can check the links below and explore:

jonas -
www.simplemuzik.com/artist-jonas.html
free jonas mp3 downloads -
www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = muzik)

kris hauch -
www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" -
www.myspace.com/streetpiano

also, hope you'll visit the archives and listen to episode 008
(josh armerding performs live!).

viktor frankl on wikipedia.
as discussed, mr. frankl references the idea of existential therapy in his book man's search for meaning. frankl developed a form of analysis called logotherapy based on similar principles. cool stuff!

jiddu krishnamurti on wikipedia.
krishnamuri foundation of america - www.kfa.org
there's krishnamurti info and audio at - www.jkrishnamurti.org
and cool free videos available on google video.

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (53) | TrackBacks (0)

movie reviews and christian music

there's no big theme to this week's show - mostly, it's just me talking about a few movies i've seen on dvd recently, and wondering out loud about the possibilities for connection, the need for understanding, how we listen and find and lose each other, etc. i imagine my love for music and movies must be connected to all of these emotional tangents? i can't say how exactly, but they seem to be intuitively connected, all the same. both of the movies i mention: "little children" and "mrs. palfrey at the claremont" work for me in that way. mysteriously, emotionally. i connect with aspects of the characters, the interrelations, the situations they're in, the questions they ask, the problems, the failures. i wonder how that works? or why? dunno. but i think it's one of the most powerful ways in which art can affect us and enter our lives - when we open ourselves and relate to the experience of others (even fictional others) as our own. and maybe that's the only sense in which art, or love, or friendship, ever work? by opening. and doing the work on our side to connect the experience? it's not much to hang our hat on, i know. but i think so sometimes. i wonder how you see it?

in the last third of the show, i talk a little about jerry wilson's upcoming book "god's not dead and neither are we: the story of christian alternative rock's pioneers as told by the artists themselves." it promises to be a really interesting collection of interviews from artists involved in the 1980's/90's underground christian music scene. i realize this is a bit of a niche topic, but i couldn't help but mention it. for those who don't know, i was a sincere evangelical christian throughout most the mid/late 80's and early/mid 90's (it was my form of teenage rebellion - no, seriously!), and so "alt-christian" music was "my" music as i was growing up. it was the first music i fell in love with. bands like the altar boys, undercover, steve taylor (and some band), the choir, 77's, lifesavers/l.s.u., were my spiritual heroes. and now, 20ish years later, having grown and changed and mutated as a person (and no longer considering myself a "christian" in the institutional sense), i have massive curiosity about how my hero artists feel and perceive and see their work and faith in retrospect. i think this is a common thing, and related to the same need for connection and understanding we all feel - to unravel and figure out where we've come from. i mean, we all wanna feel like our history makes sense somehow, right? or i do, anyway. :)

if you have time, hope you'll click around the links below, and take a listen to episode 44. i'd love to hear how you see it.

music was provided by:
the mannequins -
www.myspace.com/mannequinsmusic
marianne barlow -
www.myspace.com/mariannebarlow
jonas -
www.simplemuzik.com/artist-jonas.html
free mp3 downloads -
www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(id + password = muzik)

links to the movies:
little children - www.littlechildrenmovie.com
wikipedia review of little children (caution: spoilers).
mrs. palfrey at the claremont - www.mrspalfreythemovie.com
roger ebert's review of mrs. palfrey.

also, don't forget to check out jerry wilson's (a.k.a. the diecast dude's) blog at blog.goldfishandclowns.com

thanks,
russell

i can't wait for jerry's book to come out! :)

Posted by russell at 07:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (45) | TrackBacks (0)

4 is 4

i wanna apologize for rambling on so excessively last night (both on blog and podcast). it's bad form, i know. and so, in the light of morning, i feel guilty. :) in re-thinking it all, billy wilder's metaphor gets it exactly right. simply. cuz it's true:

2+2=4
and 1+3=4
and 2+1+1=4
and 3-1+5-3=4
and so on.

there are endless ways to be right. as many as there are experiences and people and moments. and it's beautiful that we'll never understand it. we have to learn to let go. it's hard to do, y'know?

love,
russell

p.s.
i think e.e. cummings is right too:
"always a more beautiful answer that asks a more beautiful question."
yes. i think so.

me apologizing.

Posted by russell at 04:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (45) | TrackBacks (0)

head vs. heart

despite the title, actually, i don't see head or heart (or emotion/intellect, thought/feeling) as being that far from each other. nor adversaries, or opposites, or at odds. at least not necessarily. they seem much more like complementary modes of awareness - like eyes and ears - adding texture and nuance - working together. yet, strangely, we often seem to default with prejudice and misunderstanding over the imaginary polar opposites of "feeling" vs. "thinking," as if only one can be preferred, or considered the official "right" answer in any given context, etc. but is it really so simple? does it have to be either/or? i mean, really. can't they both be needed and necessary simultaneously? i think they are. yet, so often, we seem to have this restless need to solve the world in a soundbyte, in favor of one side or the other. and, i guess that's a very human response? i'm not criticisizing per se . cuz i do understand it - the feeling that things are too emotional (soft, squishy, subjective, sensitive, personal), or too intellectual (rigid, cold, rational, objective, impersonal). it happens all the time, right? we've all felt it from both sides.

and the weird thing is that, at any given time, either one might seem (and be!) totally appropriate. or, oppositely, perceived as the worst insult imagineable. which is amazing to me, and scary, and complex. cuz it's almost impossible to predict how these things are perceived or seen or heard or experienced by others. the complexity of these variables - all the variety of human possibility - defies our ability to emotionally or intellectually control it, right? so, i guess it's a basic human thing to be torn between the two? and deeply - the real truth - is that we need both - even when we feel like we don't, or when we intellectualize why we don't. that's the hard part - finding balance - seeing past our prejudice to the truth on the other side. it's hard to do. especially when it doesn't feel good.

somewhere deep within the human conundrum, it seems we love to pit these complementary modes as enemies, doesn't it? i wonder why? it's as if we lose awareness of our deeper humanity in order to "win" in the moment, or solve a perceived problem, or dismiss something painful we don't want to deal with. and it works sometimes too, right? it makes sense. but if we're talking about true awareness and understanding, then we're talking about a deeper world. the real one. where we actually have to grapple with the whole messy truth of what it means to be alive in interaction with people different from us - and our own (disappointingly banal) selfishnesses and blindesses. it takes patience. growing up. opening to stuff we're closed to. asking questions we used to have answers for. that's where real life is. and that's where i want us to be. i want us to keep pushing and asking why and how and if and when. i want us to really relate.

most of the time, my optimistic side thinks we're getting there. especially when we're able to stop and listen and feel and hear each other - the opposites - in real and personal ways. y'know, when we're able to defuse our judgement, and really look at the value of what other people (sometimes [often] our enemies) are bringing to our shared experience of relationship and community? that's big. and it takes a lot of strength and patience to go there. but it's worth it. cuz it changes us in ways we didn't even know we were. which is really what it means to change everything.

i guess episode 42 isn't about any of this specifically. but i do think it's in the air hovering around it... and, in lots of ways, it's also in the air hovering around the podcast in general, and the concept of simplemuzik itself. or, i hope it is, anyway. my goal is to somehow find a place amidst the weeds and underbrush of emotion and intellect, where we can think and feel and really listen. i mean, maybe that's all intuition or inspiration or creativity or "art" ever is? finding them together? holding them simultaneously? wouldn't that be cool?

i hope you can take a listen to this week's show. it's just me chatting about life and passion and doing the best we can with what we've got. special thanks to nick guerrero, julius caesar, and the procrastinistas, for sharing their music! if you have time, hope you'll check their links (below)...

nick guerrero - singer/songwriter
www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
the procrastinistas - featuring john levitt
www.myspace.com/theprocrastinistas

you can learn more about billy wilder on wikipedia. and if you don't already know his movies, you should! check out - double indemnity, the lost weekend, and some like it hot (among others).

director stephen gyllenhall on wikipedia.
the incomparable david lynch on wikipedia.
and his own site: www.davidlynch.com

david lynch's book catching the big fish is a must read for anyone interested in the process of creativity, intuition... fascinating. really.

also, if you're curious at all about the science of emotion:
check out - a general theory of love.

and, related, you can read even more about the triune brain at wiki. whatever you think about origin-theory, this is amazingly interesting stuff.... seriously...

ok. idea overload. i know. apologies.

wishing you the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (28) | TrackBacks (0)

secrets revealed

gotta be honest - i'm a little stressed and out of sorts this week. don't know if it'll show in episode 41? but i feel it. seems we all have different reactions to stress, depending on what kind of stress, etc.? dunno. i sorta react emotionally - lose focus - get lost in the crevices and backwaters and eddies of feeling and memory. weird. don't know if that makes sense? maybe not. but it feels important to mention, esp. since i'm here (in the middle of it) - without a compass. so... if i seem crazier than normal tonight, guess that's sorta what it is? for better and worse.

but alas - despite the emotional wilderness - this week's show is here! ;) obstensibly, it's just me rambling on about the simple act of showing up in life - in our relationships - reactions, actions. and i suppose it's another roundabout way of addressing love too - the endless mysteries of possiblity (and reality) that're created whenever we choose to be truly present and honest with each other. i know i talk about this a lot. but i do think it's important to take time to stop, ask ourselves why we're doing what we're doing, and where we are. as much as it might feel like a distraction (or abstraction), i also think it's real and essential if we're ever gonna truly see where we are, and be intelligent about where we go from here. so i wanna do that. i wanna be open. i wanna listen. i wanna let you in. in my own silly way, all of this is an attempt to move in that direction.

and the truth is that this, us, here right now - typing - reading - feeling - trying - is a microcosm of the whole process in action. i mean, that's the magic of life right? and here we are in it, together - this moment. and as frustrating as our limitations feel - realizing it changes everything, i think - that we have this choice - and the next - how we choose to be with ourselves, and each other, and the ambiguity of it all. what compassion will we extend? how will we listen? so, i don't know. seems i say this every week, right? but i mean it. and i'm trying, for real - to make it as good as i can. for both you and me. i hope we can work on that together.

as always, there are some really moving and beautiful songs on the show this week too. special thanks to john levitt and julius caesar for sharing their music with us. i hope you enjoy!

<3
russell

ps - as an xtra added bonus (???) for those who listen all the way to the third act of the show, you'll get to hear me tell some yummy (wich is to say: embarrassing) emotional secrets... they're abstract, obtuse, in ways - yes - but true too... i'm curious how you see these things, and if you have any advice?

Posted by russell at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (46) | TrackBacks (0)

re: the bottom line

i'm often struck by the seeming disparity between how we're taught to think and feel and evaluate (and treat) each other in society at large (based on perceptions of appearance, wealth, "talent," "efficiency," "profit," etc.), and how we feel emotionally, internally, when we ourselves are judged or misunderstood or underestimated. sometimes we have a serious double standard there, don't we? seems so. and what's that about? i wonder.

i guess it hints at the larger question (or irony?) of how and why we perpetuate (or at least tacitly tolerate) a surface system of values that inherently limits our humanity and ability to connect and create community with each other. why do we put so much value on status and money? it's weird right? seems like we know better, yet we still do it. i obviously don't get all the twists and turns of the psychological processes and needs that underpin all of this - but it does concern me - and interest me. i want to understand. and work toward making it better.

i cribbed the idea of "a new bottom line" from rabbi michael lerner - cuz it's a beautiful concept - the idea that we can actually, consciously, cultivate and appreciate the value of compassion and kindness and love and community together. since this is the real stuff that keeps us alive emotionally, doesn't it make sense that we should make space and time and give respect to the truth that life is truly bigger than society allows for, and that "success" is far more than a job, or a tax bracket? i think so. in fact, it seem crazy not to. and - deeply - i know for sure that when i'm gone - the stuff i want to be remembered for is the human stuff - the love stuff - the friend stuff. that is the bottom line for me. and i need to get better at living like it.

i really hope you'll share episode 40 with me! i'm curious how you see it. and i hope you'll let me know.

oh, and if you have time, hope you'll check this week's links:

slyway - www.slywaymusic.com
the cobalt season - www.thecobaltseason.com
wikipedia article on rabbi michael lerner
the commonwealth club - www.commonwealthclub.org
commonwealth club podcast

love,
russell

ps - xtra special thanks to this week's musical guests: julius caesar, the cobalt season, and slyway. click their links (above), ok?

Posted by russell at 04:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (49) | TrackBacks (0)

even more about love

i just uploaded this week's podcast, and i'm not sure exactly how to summarize the feeling - or idea - other than to say that i think it's about love again. yes, embarrassingly. more about love. rightly so too. i think. i realize it may be cliche to ask "what is love?" again and again. or, well, ok, i know it's cliche - yes - but isn't it possible to ask cliche questions in a way that transcends what makes them cliche? i hope so. and, regardless - cliche or not - i know it's important. it's important to me because i want to be involved in the real thing, with you. and i want to push for it in my relationships, and give it. so, honestly - despite how the words might seem - i don't think it's possible for the real reality of it to ever become cliche.

as i mention in the show, i think (one of) the deepest forms of love is to realize the perspective(s) of the people around you - listen and hear where others are, what means most to them - and to try to love from that perspective. really, i can't imagine much more or better. which, of course, isn't so simple. it's hard to know how, obviously. and we're often wrong (or i am) with faulty hearing, full of our own projection, etc. there's not much we can do about that, i guess? except keep trying. and hopefully we'll get closer. and hopefully the people we love will be touched and moved and affected and helped by our attempts, and we'll learn and grow too. and hopefully they'll help us understand more, and we'll inch toward the real thing together.

i don't know much. but that seems worth giving my heart and life to. so i'm gonna.

and, alas - as promised - continuing from last week, i play more beautiful music by our friends. this week we share with the cobalt season, julius caesar, and cindy o'neill. all three have an incredibly beautiful sensibility, and songs that deserve your listening. i hope you'll explore them more, and support their work. check the links...

the cobalt season - www.thecobaltseason.com
cindy o'neil - www.cindyoneil.com

thanks,
russell

ps - also, for those of you who are fellow fans of the cobalt season, please be aware that they're releasing a new cd "in search of a unified theory" next weekend. they're doing 3 bay area release parties, and they'd love to share it with you. check thecobaltseason.com for details. the san francisco show is on sun. may 27 (see below)...

pps - oh, and also also, as mentioned on the show - i'll be out of town for the next week, so we won't be on the regular schedule next week. there will be a show... but it will appear mysteriously (and probably later than normal). until then, hope your week/end is peaceful and warm. :)

Posted by russell at 04:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (61) | TrackBacks (0)

yes to love

if you get a chance, i hope you'll take a listen to this week's podcast. it's about love. and doubt. when it comes down to it, personally, i think love is about us - you and me - here - now. and that's all it ever is - for better and worse. i mean really. it's not like god's gonna force it on us, right? we have to want it. and, even more, we hafta do something about it. it's an active thing - not something we fall into, or is given to us - but more, something we dive into and run toward and seek and create.

i know i sometimes (ok, often) come-off pollyannish about idealism and hope and optimism. i'm a little embarrassed about that, but guess it just is what it is? i want what i want. at the same time, i do hold respect for (and see the truth of) cynicism and brokenness and desperation. in fact (contradictingly?), i think understanding pain, and experiencing pain (i mean the real kind, where there's no answer, and it just hurts) is essential to any approach or potential for meaningful hope. because real (meaningful) hope seems inextricably linked to the counterweight of "the other side" - which is to say: hopelessness. it's weird, but, in this sense, the cynics are right. real hope has to respect and deal with the complex and difficult truth of the world we really live in - the one where being sensitive and compassionate and loving is most-often met with loneliness and rejection and violence. it's hard. but, i mean, what good is hope if we can't touch it and feel it and use it? i see that.

it's in this sense, i submit episode 37. yet another variation on the theme of engagement, presence, and being honest even when it's scary. it's far from complete, i know. i'm blind, incompletely trying. and i just don't see any other alternative (thus the connection to desperation, perhaps?). so, i'm here - giving my whole self to the possibility. hoping. at least as much as i can. and so my answer about love, hope - and everything - is yes. i want it, so yes. we need it. so yes. i'm in. all the way. that's the short answer, anyway. ;)

this week's show is also filled with lots of beautiful music by people who've been kind enough to share with us. it's amazing, really. there's some great stuff in here! i'm completely blown away by the generosity, and honored to be able to share the music of djtg, julius caesar (ryan), gates of light (mike welch), and mythica with you. a huge grateful thank you to all of them! and i hope you'll take some time to explore their links (below)...

djtg on myspace:
www.myspace.com/djtgmusic

mike welch (gates of light) on myspace:
www.myspace.com/mikewelchsf

mythica at soundclick:
www.soundclick.com/mythica

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:50 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

optimism is contagious

in contrast to descriptions of life-experience i hear all around me, i find that i'm actually getting more idealistic as i get older. which is weird. it's supposed to go the other way, right? or is it? i wonder. but i gotta admit, i'm a little self-conscious about it. i doubt myself. maybe i'm drifting more and more out of touch??? or, maybe not? maybe idealism is appropriate? i don't know for sure. but i do know that i'm siding with hope. cuz i know there is. it's a conviction, really - a faith formed of emotional necessity, dreams, intuition. and, ultimately, it comes down to us. you and me. don't know about you, but i really really really need there to be hope. i really need change to be possible. so, yes. guess i insist on it? ;)

episode 36 is sort of about that, and the idea of internalizing social criticism. why do we doubt ourselves so easily? i do it all the time, naturally, subconsciously. and, on the other hand, i know that all-powerful common "sense" is way too often fearful and small and limited and selfish... not to mention just plain wrong! like - the exaltation of surface value ($, appearance, status), or might makes right, or the idea that we gotta close our hearts toward each other in order to be "safe." wrong, wrong, wrong. and somebody's gotta say no. somebody's gotta say, "sorry. things can be better and we're gonna go do it." it's an issue of vision. pure and simple. if we want an empty, cruel, passionless, world, there'll always be endless self-fulfilling proof available. no doubt. but the opposite is also true. and that's the life i want. i want us to be that somebody. and we can be.

if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to this week's show. i blab on about such things, and play some songs. i'm currently trying to put a set together for this sat. night's show at simple pleasures cafe, so it's like eavesdropping on a little podcast-practice. i play some stuff i'm working on - some oldies, some newbies, some hybrids of both. if you have advice or ideas on what i'm doing, i'd love to hear your perspective. thanks. hope your week is well...

love,
russell

ps - reminder! this sat. night's "cinco de mayo" show is gonna be fun! i hope you can be there. simple pleasures cafe is at 3434 balboa st., san francisco (cross street is 35th ave.). nick guerrero, kris hauch, and slyway, will all be performing with me! show starts 8pm. we'd love to share the night with you.

Posted by russell at 05:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (43) | TrackBacks (0)

uncool is beautiful

this week's show was inspired by richard gere. i heard him on npr with terry gross last week, and found his tone and ideas and energy totally compelling and engaging and insightful. ever notice how some people just talk sense? it's totally subjective, but i notice it a lot. richard gere does that for me. i know he gets a bad rap (my opinion) for being a sappy hollywood buddhist pretty-boy actor. maybe he is? but he also talks emotional sense. and hearing him set me off spinning into the parallel universe of episode 33.

also, connected, is the sense in which - after the terribleness of what happened at virginia tech this week - i just wanna be human. i just wanna listen and feel and be honest with the people around me. richard gere says "when we're uncool [which is to say: fundamentally honest about who we are] people fall in love with us." i think that's true. which just means - whenever we drop the act of trying to be what we think will impress the world, the possibility for real connection begins. i mean, impressing people is great, i guess? i'm not critisizing that. but we all know it's a joke too, right? the real you and me is a whole different reality. under the social shell we're incomplete, lonely, confused, tired, trying hard and coming up short. none of us are alone there. and what's more emotionally connective than being with someone where that's ok? that's the whole meaning of love right? i can't think of anything better. honestly.

it's funny, cuz seems like we're all looking for the intensity of that kind of emotional vulnerability. but we're also afraid, and still trying to pose in the form of perfect, attractive, successful, etc., etc., etc. we know better than that, right? so why? i understand the contradiction. it's me too. i live with it. but i wanna shine a light in that direction, and look, and talk. i don't wanna just accept it as necessary or unavoidable. i don't think it is. i think it's possible for us to break through and go beyond, and in, and open, and find each other. that's what i want. i want it to be ok. so maybe we can start here, together?

i hope you'll take a listen to episode 33, and let me know what you think. i care, and i'm curious how you see it. also, xtra huge thanks to shirt (kris hauch), kiyoshi foster, nick guerrero, and jonas, for sharing their music with us. i hope you'll explore their links (below), and support their creative work. they deserve your ears!

musical links -

shirt (the band) on myspace:
www.myspace.com/streetpiano
nick g. on myspace:
www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
kris hauch on myspace:
www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kiyoshi foster on myspace:
www.myspace.com/kiyoshifoster
the jonas catalog @ simplemuzik.com:
www.simplemuzik.com/catalog-jonas.html

thinking/emotional links -

richard gere on wikipedia.
and this is why i love richard gere.
joseph campbell on wikipedia.
plus lots of other information on joseph campbell's work.
ernest hemingway on wikipedia.
visit the hemingway resource center.

media links -

npr - fresh air a great radio show!
the movie benjamin smoke is available on dvd. rent it!

hope the rest of your week is warm and good,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:27 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

all my passionate mistakes

merriam webster's defines "passionate" as (#2): "capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling : enthusiastic, ardent."

admidst all the unsureness and messiness of life, it feels important to hold on to our sense of wonder and intensity and participation, doesn't it? it's easy to look back and be astonished by what we see as our "mistakes," - all the stuff we'd do differently if we could go back, etc. it seems like a natural human thing. regret. i think it's ok. but it also feels important to remember that we did the best we could with who we were back then, with what we knew, what we understood of the world - that mix of limitation and strength. compassion. love.

in-between these opposites - somewhere - there's a kind of weird transformation too. cuz, beautifully, painfully, all those mistakes seem necessary and unavoidable and perfect somehow. i don't know how exactly, but they brought us here. which is totally weird, right? i know.

and, even with this awareness, i still have my unshakable moments of self-criticism and fear and doubt and emotional collapse. which just feels unavoidable and human. i don't know the answer. but seems all i can do is keep trying. i keep dreaming that somewhere down the road it's all gonna make sense in some way. i keep hoping it's gonna be ok. which it does, and is, and isn't, all simuntaneously. as i grow and change and learn, it feels more and more important to engage actively and live from that deep place of heart and passion and motivation and care, regardless of the outcome. daily. cuz really, that's the only choice we have, right? we either engage passionately and fully, for real, or we give up. and i don't wanna give up. my feelings won't let me.

so, this week's show is sort of about all of these things intertwining together and interweaving into a big sloppy emotional ball. i wanna let the passion and depth of my feeling out in the world. i wanna talk about it and live it and share it with you and be changed by how these things mix and combust between us. seems like change in the world, and meeting our potential in both action and relationship, depends on our willingness to be fully present together, and bring our whole selves. just like that. incomplete. "mistakes" and all. it's exciting and beautiful, isn't it? and possible too. i hope we can do that together.

this week also features amazing music by wee the band, nick guerrero, john levitt, and the mannequins. please seek them out and support them, ok?

some music links:
www.weetheband.com
nick guerrero on myspace
the mannequins on myspace

poetry + thinking links:
rainer maria rilke on wikipedia
rilke poems
international rilke society (german site)

you can check out erich fromm's "five basic needs" for yourself:
erich fromm on wikipedia
c.v. and bibliography (german site)

and don't forget: free mp3's!
www.simplemuzik.com/muzik (id + password = muzik)
or, same mp3's with chronological context (+cd and title info):
www.simplemuzik.com/rdmp3s.htm

thanks for sharing this with me.

have a great week!
russell

Posted by russell at 04:31 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i want this kind of life

episode 30 finds us meandering toward the idea of "friendship" (and love and community)... it's amazing how seemingly unrelated things are related, isn't it? on the surface, friendship seems like oil to the water of economics or politics. yet, i'm starting to think not so much... or, at the very least, yes and no. i've been wondering a lot about our society this week, esp. how it's ordered, and the tacit values we all seem to share (and how those values interface with our spiritual/emotional ideals). the balance is interesting - how we (on one hand) need and ache for love and acceptance and community and transcendence, and (on the other) somehow buy into the idea that status and wealth and prestige are the hallmarks of "success." it's a strange tension, right? i wonder how you see it?

it may sound like an abstract political or religious topic, but i see it very personally. it seems to touch on fear and desperation and those areas of feeling where we know that our actions are in conflict with our deeper emotional needs. yet we still live this way. and we still participate in a society where surface values ($, appearance, status) trump emotional truth (connection, relationship, community). i don't know. it does seem like we live this way, doesn't it? why? obviously, i'm uneasy with it, but i also can't deny that i move with the prevailing wind. i'm reminded of the song "livin' small" by jonah matranga - the line: "business is a lot like love, and business is a lot like friendship, isn't it?" i think he's right.

so, anyway, just finding myself emotionally fragile tonight, a bit lost, and resisting the brass-tacks abstract, detached, curiosity, thing. it all seems to boil down to the feeling of friendship - the desire for friendship, the importance of friendship. i don't know the answers to the big political/social questions, but i do think our attitude and relationship and openness with the people around us can make all the difference. i really want to focus on that in my own life, and see (which also means: appreciate, right?) the amazing friends and strangers and family i have all around me. it's one of those places where i really think we have a choice about how much beauty and richness we'll experience. it's up to us to open our eyes. so, in that sense, i'm proud to be a fan of my friends and the world we find ourselves in. i want that kind of world. i want that kind of life.

if you have time, i hope you'll take a listen to the show. i play some absolutely beautiful music by the cobalt season, wee the band, and kelly vogel. hopefully my excitement will rub off, and you'll become a fan too. check out their links...

www.thecobaltseason.com
www.weetheband.com

erich fromm is compelling and thought-provoking. i'm currently re-reading "beyond the chains of illusion", (which was the source of the quotes i referenced).

also, as-referenced, the creative world of michael j. costa is worth a visit.
check out his many web shops and products:
superphysics, etc.
applied superphysics & occult archaeology
horus tutankhamon, son of ra
eye of the pharoh
the sacred magic of haroeris
tales of kheri-heb and other stories
tears for isis
the key of haroeris
the practical kheri-heb
ipana - land of the setting sun

more next week!
russell

Posted by russell at 04:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (38) | TrackBacks (0)

jesus alert!

episode 29 is about god. it's a touchy subject, i know, but something that moves me, and has, for most of my life. in actuality, it's a huge part of the reason i started doing music in the first place, and oddly, paradoxically (?), what brings me to the podcast too. i started writing songs 15 years ago as an evangelical christian, and so my oldest songs are (as you'll hear on the show) religious and earnest and fragile. it's a little embarrassing to put your younger self on display, warts and all. part of me is freaked out and wants to hide it. and another part is astonished by how similar things remain in my life and music and dreams, both for better and worse. either way, i apologize for exposing you to such inarticulate naivete (both now and then)! hopefully it's ok. if not, rest assured, i promise to share real music next week! ;)

and, of course, below the surface of all of this - the emotional truth - is the sense in which we're all growing and focusing and moving in our lives. personally, i hope i've gotten better at music and lyrics and performance over the years. i think i might have inched forward? i hope. and i hope i'm closer to the truth and to understanding and seeing and sharing and feeling with the people around me. i hope i'm better at listening and following "god" as i understand it. but it's all in-process and moving - ever-evolving. and now i have my eye on tomorrow. cuz i know i still have more miles to go than time to travel. and i wanna keep pushing. i wanna go as far as i can with what i got left.

i deeply hope i haven't offended anyone by professing my silly pseudo-spiritual noodlings like this. my goal is simply to create a safe space where as many people as possible can feel connected and welcomed as whole people, regardless (or beyond) the abstractness of any belief or institution. whether you call god "jesus" or "allah" or "yhwh" or truth or beauty or mystery or compassion or love or chance or just "the universe" - the emotional foundation of awe is something we can all relate to. that's the thing we all feel, and the thing we keep using all this endless, beautifully diverse, language to describe and explain. it's amazing, isn't it? and since we're all stuck here together, for me, it seems best to just admit the fact that i don't know the answer. i want to. but, i mean, who am i kidding, right? the best we can do is try. respect each other. love. think. feel together. somehow not knowing feels like the most important step. it's strange, i know.

hope you'll check out some related links below:

the folks at way of the master radio disagree with me, like 180%. check 'em out.
i'm curious how you see it.

and, happily, there are also christians like brian mclaren and those at mars hill church who represent the inclusive perspective.

i don't really have a "church" per se, but if i did this would be it: www.uusf.org

related to all this, i also wonder why humanism is considered evil by so many christians? humanism is simply an "ethical philosophy that affirms the dignity and worth of all people" right? seems (to me) that humanism is (or should be!) totally consistent with the ethical systems of the major religions. yet, somehow "human" has turned into this dirty word. which alarms me! i mean, if religions are actually proclaiming themselves anti-human, then i'm really scared! but i digress. that's a whole diff'rent show.

honestly, i don't really get the big whoop over postmodernism either. since when did admitting that our cultural norms have a context become such a threat to god?

and finally, there's deepak chopra. i gotta admit he's growing on me, though i'm still a little leery of the new-age sheen (and think his critics have a point). still, he's got undeniable grit and intelligence. which i respect. i like how chopra seems to naturally notice the third path between the supposed religion vs. science duality. esp. with comments like: "it's time to rescue 'intelligent design' from the politics of religion. there are too many riddles not yet answered by either biology or the bible, and by asking them honestly, without foregone conclusions, science could take a huge leap forward.” amen.

check out deepak's blog on richard dawkins and the "god delusion."

ok. thanks so much for listening (and reading). i'm really happy you're here with me.

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (58) | TrackBacks (0)

there are endless possibilities...

Posted by russell at 06:11 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the ecstasy of metaphor

i just posted episode 28. it brings me to the idea of the "ecstatic truth" coined (far as i know) by werner herzog. i'm not 100% sure how to describe or express the feeling of it, but it's connected (for me, anyway) to the feeling of transcendence and transformation that can come through art, or relationship, or religious experience. they feel very connected to me, and i'm interested how it's perceived by others. when we talk about "god" or "love" or "truth" or "connection," what do we mean? i mean, seriously, when we *really* feel the overhwelming non-verbal-ness of it. we all know that feeling, right? what is that? obviously, i don't think we can explain it with words. but it feels important to try, and to open our hearts in that direction. how is it that we come to such opposite life conclusions and directions from similar starting points? or, are they really all that opposite?

i really hope we can create a space in which it's safe to put our surface disagreements about culture or style or religion on the table, take a look underneathe, together, and feel some of the intertwining roots of all these seemingly opposite beliefs and passions and commitments. if we do that, maybe we can see each other less as "obstacles on the road," and more as "fellow travellers with maps to places we didn't know existed?" i really do think there's a possibility and hope for us (even those of us most diametrically opposed) to grow in understanding if we're willing to engage in this sense. which really means: to grow toward the underlying truth that's not bound by our psychological projections and limits. i know i'm being idealistic here. i hope you'll forgive me. but that's sorta my job, right? :)

thanks to nick guerrero, nico (+ the mannequins), and jonas, for their music. the songs are simply beautiful this episode, so i hope you'll take a listen, and check out the artist pages:

www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
www.myspace.com/mannequinsmusic
the jonas catalog at simplemuzik.com

also, check out links to other stuff i mentioned:

"satori" on wikipedia
"saudade" on wikipedia
review of henry jaglom's "deja vu"
not to be confused by the 2006 denzel washington movie.
the one i'm referring to (by henry jaglom, 1997) makes
specific reference to "saudade." you should rent it!
nick cave's "love song" lecture also references "saudade."
werner herzog bio on wikipedia
werner herzog interview by henry rollins
and
blog.goldfishandclowns.com check out the diecast dude's podcast!

ok. guess that's it for now. hope you're having a great week!

russell

Posted by russell at 04:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (57) | TrackBacks (0)

leaving & staying

my voice is back, and i'm happy to present episode 27. hope you'll take a listen. it's just me talking about stuff that was on my mind as i was travelling - nostalgia, wistfulness, mistakes, being in the moment, us together, hope. how do we live life openly and engage reality in a deep and compassionate (yet challenging) sense? which is also to ask, how do we forgive ourselves and accept the truth of what is while simultaneously pushing ourselves to be better? i don't know the answer (obviously), so i'm interested in how you see it. it's a mystery isn't it?

i think us thinking and working together and being gracious toward each other for being imperfect and incomplete is an important start. why does our culture insist that we not admit it? i don't know, but i feel like admitting it anyway. so i'm gonna. and, who knows, right? maybe we can together? maybe that'll make it better? here's to hoping, regardless. ;)

some links to people i mentioned:
alain de botton
an essay on education by joseph chilton pierce.

also, i want to send xtra special thanks to our musical guests. there's some great music on this show!

please support the artists, and check them out:
marianne barlow
the cobalt season
mozaic

have a great week, ok?
russell

Posted by russell at 07:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

your heart is my heart

in honor of valentines day, this week's show is devoted to the idealism (and realism) of how one life, or thought, or moment can change everything. i know i've mentioned it lots before, but i'm still in awe of how each passing second offers us that kind of potential and opportunity. i mean, it's beautiful, right? and, on the other side, i'm painfully aware that it goes both ways - good and bad. the mix of the two is odd, but seems we can't have one without the other. is that cliche of me to say??? i wonder how you see/feel it? maybe you'll tell me? i hope.

we also digress a little about anna nicole smith, astronaut murder plots, and the state of our hearts in relation to other people, cultural phenomena, etc. how is it that we feel frail and vulnerable on one hand, and yet create and participate in a society that allows us to dehumanize each other on the other? it hurts. and the hardest part of all is seeing how i'm involved... not just as an observer, but as part of the problem. can this change with a moment of thought or choice too? maybe. but it's complicated.

happily, we close the show with the positive real-life opportunity for change in the physical world. as i mentioned in the show, please check out the work of meg and robert: www.roberthatta.com/Lesotho.html.

also, if you're interested in the parable of the scorpion and saint, you can read it for yourself here: the saint and the scorpion.

tell the people you love that you love them, ok?
russell

happy v-day!

Posted by russell at 05:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (52) | TrackBacks (0)

usa for africa

it's been pointed out that this weeks show is a (none so clever) anagram for "we are the world." which is an excellent point. yes. i know i'm supposed to be ashamed of the connection, but i'm not really. it's nice.

russell

Posted by russell at 05:22 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

the world is us

episode 22 is here. it's basically more sermonizing from me - roughly taking cues from where we left off last week. i've been thinking a lot about all this stuff (language, personality, differences, communication), trying to understand, make sense, etc. don't know if i did a good job of explaining what i mean to say, but i hope you'll take a listen and let me know what you think. i know i might be coming off a bit serious and intense, but i hope not. and even if so, i hope you can sense a little of the passion and longing beneathe all of that. the reason i care about these ideas is because i really wanna go under the surface of my relationships and the ideas and complexities around me. i care. i wanna understand and relate personally.

special thanks to andy rothwell and the humans for letting me play their music.

check them out:
andy solo - www.myspace.com/andyrothwelltheband
the humans (the band) - www.myspace.com/thehumanstheband

also, other links:
adaptation (the movie) - adaptation on imdb
you can also read - about the movie adaptation
hamell on trial - www.hamellontrial.com
(the song i liked is actually called "big as life," same as the cd title).

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (46) | TrackBacks (0)

fever-induced idealism?

it's been a no-good very bad day for me. i woke up in the middle of last night feeling terribly sick, not able to keep food down, etc. (i'll spare you the details)... and waded through the day quite out of my head due to fever, nausea, and overall generalized achyness. before i got sick last night, i recorded episode 21. looking back, i think the fever may have been peeking out a bit, unbeknownst to my conscious mind? the show is a collection of me rambling on idealistically about how much i want to understand the world. and change it. and grow with you. given my current state, i can't tell if any of it makes sense. but i hope it does.

here are some links to enjoy:
one punk under god - all 6 episodes are available on itunes.
revolution nyc - jay bakker's church.
the education of shelby knox on "pov."
official shelby knox film site.
shelby's commitment to humanity over dogma is an inspiration.
see jeff tweedy "sunken treasure" clips on youtube.
see the "sunken treasure" trailer on youtube.
deepak chopra's main site.
(ok. so he is new age. but i still think, beneathe the language, he's saying something worth listening to.)
interesting interview with chopra. he talks about semantics here!
read the other side too! chopra is a quack?
how does our understanding of language play into these disagreements? i wonder.
the commonwealth club lots of fun talk!

have a great week.
and stay away from the flu!
russell

Posted by russell at 07:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (56) | TrackBacks (0)

the 2007 experiment

i hope you'll take a listen to this weeks show, and let me know what you think. continuing from last week, i talk more about my dreams for 2007, and the possibility (i believe) we have to make a difference both in our own lives, and in those around us. throughout '07, i wanna use the podcast as a tool to remind us of that, and keep us thinking about how things could be. it's more than a little idealistic, i realize, but so be it. dreaming big feels important. i think it is. and if there's a mistake to be made, that's the one i want.

i have no idea where you are, what you're thinking or doing, or what your plans are for the year, but i want to share this with you, and i'm thankful you're here with me at the beginning. i'll be here every week. i'm gonna share my life as i move forward and try. i hope you'll check in from time to time, and say hi. :)

here are the links i mentioned:
www.myspace.com/russellmeansyes you can see my poems and paintings.
one punk under god jay bakker, my new hero!
notes on a scandal official page
notes on a scandal read reviews!
www.tofurky.com home of the meatless turkey.

enjoy!
russell

ps - i really really do think being honest and opening our hearts can change the world. i hope you do too. i'm excited to see what happens!

Posted by russell at 05:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (51) | TrackBacks (0)

goodbye 2006

as usually happens when it's just me on my own, i get a little bit emotionally carried away with episode 17. i set out to play a bunch of break up songs and talk about how they're related to the end of the year, and (by extension) life in general... pain, thoughtfulness, change, hope. it all seems romantic and sad and true to me. in retrospect, it turns out that none of the songs i chose are actually break up songs. which is funny. i apologize! :) all the same, i sorta force the issue, and talk about it anyway. i mean, all sad songs can be break up songs, can't they? i think so. and all hopeful ones too. oddly. but beautifully.

i hope the show makes some sense to you, and doesn't seem too sappy and sloppy. i know my heart is on my sleeve here (embarrassingly), but the truth is i really mean it. i'm honored that you're reading this, and here. and i'm even more honored if you have time to listen. i care what you think. maybe you'll say hi and tell me how you see it? i hope you will.

ok, that's it.
i hope everyone has a great new year!

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (50) | TrackBacks (0)

let's talk about love songs

episode 15 is all about love songs. i play lots of different kinds, and talk about how they seem to me. i'm sure i missed a lot of nuance and feeling, so i hope you'll listen too, and let me know which ones you like (and why), or (even better) the love songs you love that i missed. maybe we should do a regularly recurring lovesong show? i like the idea.

special thanks to nick guerrero, nico (+ the mannequins), patrick kobernus (+ slyway), josh armerding, jonas, and liz angelucci, for contributing songs this week. i'm honored that they let me share their music in this way. :)

please listen, ok? hope you enjoy!

russell

ps - please note the new link above for archived shows... apologies to all for the earlier confusion.

pps - stay tuned for more music from jonas next week!

Posted by russell at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (41) | TrackBacks (0)

gush radio

i'm a little self-conscious about episode 13. mostly because it's really sloppy, and i don't feel like i make my point very well. then again, that kind of insecurity is sort of the whole topic i'm talking about, so i guess it's ok. or, even if not, here it is regardless. :) the point beyond all of it is that i really want to be brave and take risks with you here. i'm honored that you're checking it out and listening, and i don't want this to be just another cool (or not so cool) podcast. i want to gush and be embarrassing and change things. i'm idealistic i know. i hope it's ok.

love,
russell

ps - check out the entire world is a dating service at: www.myspace.com/datingservice

Posted by russell at 06:38 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

god, jesus camp, politics

hopefully nobody will get mad at me for talking about god and touching on politics. i don't ever want this podcast to turn into a political tirade, so i hope you'll stay with me and help me steer in the direction of humanity, creativity, and community. that's what i want. at the same time some of the stuff we're talking about has inherent political edges. my goal is to be open, acknowledge my real-life opinions, and work to keep open, learning, and asking questions. anyway, for what it's worth, that's where i'm coming from. hope you enjoy. please, please, please, let me know what you think. good or bad, ok?

here are the links i talked about:
www.jesuscampthemovie.com
see jesus camp clips on youtube and decide for yourself!
read the focus on the family review do they have a point?
bill moyers on america: capitol crimes official pbs site.
see "capitol crimes" clips on youtube christian coalition = christian values?
www.wayofthemasterradio.com
see way of the master t.v. on youtube kirk cameron discusses evolution.
see richard dawkins clips on youtube the opposite extreme speaks.

thanks for listening and checking this stuff out!

russell

ps - special thanks to kris hauch for letting me use his songs in this context! also check out kris' band street piano.

pps - also special thanks to nick guerrero for the closeout song "the ghosts are around us" from his 2005 cd: trying to be a human being.

Posted by russell at 06:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (64) | TrackBacks (0)

the love show

episode 7 brings us to more talk of love as motivation and inspiration and longing and confusion and wondering and insecurity (how is it that all of these seeming opposites are related?). how do they interwine? i keep wondering. part of me is in love with the longing and mystery and impenetrableness of it all, and part of me feels childish for not being able to get beyond it and somehow find a sense of calm and solution. could be that i have a skewed picture of things (?), but i often feel alone in my inability to balance and make sense of it. how is it for you? i hope you'll listen, and tell me what you think.

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (17) | TrackBacks (0)

true love, collaboration, idealism

this weeks episode is up! i chat about relationships and art and how time changes our perceptions of people and feelings and friendship and music. does idealism impede relationship? where's the line? how do our ideas of quality affect our ability to be open and present with other people? i'm interested in this stuff, and curious about how you see it. hopefully you'll let me know!

i also feature some songs by friends and people i respect and have learned from musically: rolf dieter (scarlet orphan), patrick kobernus (www.slywaymusic.com), and josh armerding. special thanks to them for letting me share their music with you. hope you enjoy!

love,
russell

ps- i had a few technical difficulties with sound quality this time 'round (due to some crappy mp3's) so this episode had to be heftier than usual (38+ MB). apologies for that. i promise to figure that out in the future.

Posted by russell at 07:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

american idol vs. simplemuzik

episode 3 is available! it's mostly about trying to find some kind of balance between objective and subjective judgement. is it possible? i suppose "objective" is typified by american idol? in a way. then again, it's really just the popular form of subjectivity, isn't it? i'm curious what you think, so i hope you'll let me know.

i also talk a little about kirk cameron's way of the master radio. it's my favorite podcast on the net (for reasons unintended), and required listening for anyone interested in understanding christianity in the u.s. (my opinion). check it out!

russell

Posted by russell at 06:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

podcast 101

hello all,

i am trying to make this the future home of the simplemuzik podcast. it's under construction, with me frantically moving the dials and switches, calling friends, panicked because things aren't working, etc. (imagine mr. bean in charge of a construction site, and you basically get the picture). episode 2 is an interview with nick g., and it will be up soon. liz angelucci will be live in the studio soon too. as a non-techie type, i am doing my best to learn quickly. thanks for your patience. and stay tuned!

russell

Posted by russell at 03:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

January 06, 2010

welcome 2010

December 16, 2009

i believe it.

December 09, 2009

cause and effect

December 02, 2009

either/or

November 18, 2009

bread crumbs

November 04, 2009

alive and awake

October 28, 2009

the feeling of reeling

October 07, 2009

day by day

September 09, 2009

green thumb

August 26, 2009

three years

August 12, 2009

the insane defense

July 22, 2009

both ways

July 15, 2009

kismet

June 26, 2009

dangerous thoughts

June 17, 2009

yes

June 10, 2009

ouroborealis

June 03, 2009

art vivant

May 27, 2009

anti pro

May 20, 2009

emotionful

May 13, 2009

the mirror

March 25, 2009

rock and a hard place

February 11, 2009

zen and the art of being busy

January 21, 2009

what if there isn't?

January 14, 2009

the virtue of a broken heart

January 07, 2009

doubt

December 17, 2008

growing up

November 12, 2008

words become shapes

November 06, 2008

bridges feel rare

October 22, 2008

a political roundtable

October 15, 2008

politics + feelings

October 08, 2008

ghosts and a feeling

September 17, 2008

a floppy hat and an open heart

June 11, 2008

the good fight

June 04, 2008

here and now

December 12, 2007

relational arms

December 05, 2007

forgiveness and god

November 28, 2007

digging in

November 21, 2007

the un-turkey

November 20, 2007

thanksgiving

October 17, 2007

i believe in listening