i've been thinking a lot about relationships recently - things i've learned, things i'm still mystified about, stuff i'm learning as i go, stuff i deeply regret and wish i could do over, etc., etc. the more i let it sink in, and the older i get, the more it feels like this lifetime, unending, project of process? as if change and uncertainty is the norm? don't know if that makes sense? but it seems so to me. and the result is a bit of a mixed feeling for me. cuz, on one side, it feels daunting and overwhelming - and, on the other, it feels very simple, and as it should be. ultimately, i know it's ok (or has to be!) - the flexing back and forth beween being ok and not ok - the unsureness - the never-sureness.

specifically, i've been reading sam keen's book "to love and be loved," which - much as i feel like i've gone in and toward depth in all of these areas - is still showing me so many ways in which i'm missing the point endlessly - even now - seemingly unavoidably. and, i guess it's funny how that keeps happening, y'know? when i was younger it seems like i imagined that at some point i would more-or-less get a handle on all of this. or, did i??? honestly, i can't really remember for sure. maybe i just simply didn't think of it in those terms then? maybe that's more accurate? either way, these days, it's starting to look much more like an endlessly unfolding see-saw of awareness. and right now, i'm evidently in the "saw" portion - the cutting and stretching and pulling. it's not always comfortable. not often. and, all kidding aside, really - truth is - it just hurts.

i don't know what to do when things feels like this. there's obviously no escaping it. seems like the best we can do is put our noses forward, and keep going through it. happily, one of the amazingly helpful (god-blessed) things about feelings is that they do change. especially mine! ;) and there is an up side - because growing feels good. and learning new stuff feels good. and being challenged feels good. and making it through hard stuff feels good. so, anyway, all of this is to say that i just uploaded episode 66, and i hope you can take a listen. it's about this stuff in tangental ways - how our idealism fits into relationship, the feeling of seeing things new, calling your own bluff, the reality of making mistakes we should know better than to make, yet still make, etc. and so on.

sam keen says it best:
"the practice of love and wisdom, as i understand it, leads downward rather than upward, into the valley rather than to the mountaintop. the valley path involves paying extraordinary attention to ordinary things, events, persons..."

and even more to the point:
"the meaning of a thing is not different from the thing itself, it is only the thing fully seen. we come to love not by finding a perfect person but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

i didn't do a very good job of explaining my own take on the truth of these words in tonight's podcast. but i tried. and my heart's there - in all of its inarticulate, rambling, predictableness. i hope something comes through, regardless. because, truly, it seems to me there's a very deep and very real sense in which - if we show up as sam keen suggests - our lives and our relationships really can (and do) open and mature and expand in ways we can't predict or envision right now. and i want that for us. deeply. i want to do everything i can to be active and see the limitations i'm placing on things, and to work to make it better. obviously, i haven't achieved mastery at any of this (nor have many of us, i suspect), but the fact that these possibilities exist in the real world makes a big difference to me. i want to keep trying. because i know we can do something about it. just us - here. and all we have to do is open our eyes and look at each other. keep trying. and not let go. when it comes down to it, i think that's what true love means - to see imperfect people (which is each of us) wholly. sounds deceptively simple, right? i know. i guess it is in a way? but not too. it's that life-long learning thing. one of the hardest lessons. or. well. for me, anyway.

ideally, this is all just a conversation starter. i'd love to hear how you see it. so, if you have ideas, agree or disagree, i'm curious and interested. i hope you'll let me know. :)

check out sam keen at: www.samkeen.com
and nick guerrero at: www.myspace.com/nickguerrero

wishing you the best week!
russell

Posted by russell at 06:41 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i don't have any big moral issue with eating meat. or with anybody else for what they eat, or why, or how they see that stuff. seems like a totally personal decision - sometimes complicated - motivated and informed by all kinds of social and cultural and emotional and familial factors. so, hopefully nobody takes my advocacy of tofu (and the tofurky link below) as any kind of judgement or preaching about meat. cuz it's not. i eat meat too. but - just for me personally - the whole meat thing has been something that's felt important to think about and be aware of. just for me in terms of myself. over time. and it's still an evolving awareness for me.

about 12 years ago, i hosted a thanksgiving - did the whole thing - and the process of cleaning and preparing the turkey just hit me for some reason. not sure why, even now. but it made me think. and, quite honestly, it left me sad. thoughtful. i know that probably sounds a little weird? i guess it is. it's hard to explain. but, through that experience - and whatever unknown confluence of forces brought me there (who knows???) - the physical reality of the meat industry sorta sank in for the first time. just - the nuts and bolts - the blood and bones mechanics of it. i mean, i’d been around meat before. all my life. there was nothing special or exceptional about that thanksgiving. but, for some reason, i saw it differently. and, in the very tactile act of lifting the bird, washing it, running my fingers along the inside of its ribs, the dismembered neck, the thawing organs - i realized that there was no way i'd've ever been able to kill this animal. much less stomach the mass processing of a slaughterhouse - deal with the mess, the mortality, the blood, etc. so, in that moment - me with the feetless, headless, bird, thawing in the sink - i changed somehow. but, like i say, i still don’t understand it. maybe it doesn't make sense? probably. but i still feel it.

so, it's a pretty simple thing for me really. just a feeling. a question i ask myself. even now. i'm not a vegetarian. never will be, i suspect. but i do tread lightly when it comes to meat. simply because i feel a responsibility to (try to, as best as i can) be responsible about the impact of my choices. for me, the key seems to be about somehow finding the balance between owning the true cost of our decisions, and living and embracing real life with people we love - as a guest, family member, partner, friend, neighbor, customer. it's not usually a straight line, or a black and white decision. obviously. it's bendy. depends on context. but the bottom line - the being aware of how what we do affects others, the world - feels essential to me. and that part - regardless of what specific decision we come up with, or what we do or don’t do - is a moral decision. for me, anyway.

and it feels pretty much true everywhere - politically, personally, emotionally, nationally. i don't want my food choices to cause harm, or my voting or religious or ideological or social actions. i want to keep pushing, be aware, ask questions - about why and how and if what i'm doing is the best it can be. cuz i want it to be. and, invariably, embarrassingly, it isn't. which is just human, i guess? i know. but it's frustrating. and ok and necessary too. still, the trying to make it better feels important and needed. doesn't it? so i am. keeping on trying.

anyway, just in case anybody's looking for alternatives,
here's what i'm having tomorrow - www.tofurky.com

happy thanksgiving to everybody, :)
russell

Posted by russell at 07:17 AM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

and, please, don't forget to click the links for danny scherr and toy house! as you heard in tonight's show, their music is really, really, beautiful. they deserve your attention and fandom. i hope you'll visit and explore what they're doing.

you can find toy house at:
www.myspace.com/toyhouse
and danny scherr at:
www.myspace.com/dannyscherr

thanks to both toy and danny for sharing what they're doing with me! i hope you'll check them out, and be their friend too.

russell

Posted by russell at 06:52 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

this week is thanksgiving in the u.s., so,– predictably, perhaps (?), this week’'s podcast finds me thinking about what i’'m thankful for, and digressing a bit about where we've been so far in 2007. we'’ve had some great (and much appreciated!) guests the past few weeks, so it’s been a while since i'’ve been able to sit down and ramble on about the feelings of the moment. which, depending on your perspective, may not be such a bad thing! :) either way, i want to say again how thankful i am to both curt yagi and john levitt for sharing their time and work with me. it's been a huge honor to share what they're doing with you. if you haven't already, i hope you'll go back and listen to episodes 63 and 64.

and, obviously, i also hope you'’ll check out episode 65! admittedly, i was more than a little inarticulate tonight. but i hope some of my heart comes through regardless. cuz, cliché as it may be, what i’m most thankful for –- above everything -– are the people in my life. which is to say, you. for real. for taking time, for reading this, for listening, sharing, and simply being here with me. sounds simple. maybe even simplistic? i know. and it is. and it isn’'t. bottom line - i just want to be able to talk about the truth of my heart. and i want to hear yours. and i’m thankful that we’re here together. and that it’'s possible. and happening!

when it comes to thanksgiving, i realize that there's plenty of controversy, and plenty of legitimate reason to be cynical about how and why the holiday, the day itself, exists as it does. the history of it. the reality of it, as most-commonly perceived and experienced in the culture of the u.s., etc. and so, in that sense, it does feel crucial to give recognition and space and respect for the deep truth of unspeakable suffering that was conducted in the name of cultural and religious and national imperialism (for just one example, see: the trail of tears). and, for the deeper sense in which the legacy of this continues to linger and reverberate throughout native american culture today. it'’s something that most of us (as immigrants, or descendents of immigrants) don’t like to face or look at or deal with. but, whatever side of this we find ourselves on, it’s a big deal. and it makes sense that - from the native american perspective - there’'s not a whole lot to be thankful for at “thanksgiving.” at least not historically.

in a compelling and related way, one of the most elegant responses to violence i know of is the annual thanksgiving sunrise gathering held every year by native american groups on alcatraz island. it'’s often popularly referred to as an "un-thanksgiving,"but, what strikes me most is the peace and grace and beauty of the statement. the symbology of night turning into day. the location - a rocky island, amidst the windblown remnants of a prison - at the edge of the continent, looking in, remembering – both future and past - together. it’s strange, i know - but often, the most truthful responses to violence are also the most silent. seems so in this case. to me, anyway.

in and around all of this - for me - i do believe we can, and should, use thanksgiving as a true spiritual and relational opportunity. a chance to build bridges. a chance to grow. a chance to challenge ourselves, and reach out, and open. it can be. whatever it's been in the past, whatever darkness or blindness or arrogance has shrouded or veiled it's ability to reach us - whether you agree or disagree - we can re-create it right here and now. and, really, for any holiday to have true significance, i think this kind of appropriation and participation is required. cuz, the truth is, it's up to us. you and me, right here. we can. i think this is the only way that real change ever happens. in a roundabout way, that's what i was struggling to say with episode 65. i hope some of it came through. and, if you have a chance, i'd love to share it with you.

for more information on the thanksgiving sunrise gathering,
visit this page, and this page.

hope all is well where you are,
russell

Posted by russell at 06:03 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

i mentioned my friend john levitt on the podcast a few weeks back, and talked a little about his just-released urban-fantasy novel "dog days." it's good! john's a fascinating guy with a lot to say, an author and musician, and he was kind enough to share episode 64 with me. john plays some of his favorite classic folk, jazz, and blues songs, and we talk about creativity, writing, inspiration - the whole gamut! i'm seriously honored to present tonight's show, and i really hope you'll take a listen.

if you like what you hear, i also hope you'll check out john's site at www.jlevitt.com. you can read the "sfrevu" review of john's novel here, and the "greenmanreview" here. if you're in the buying mood, you can check out the book at your favorite local bookstore, or online at amazon.com. also, as mentioned in the show, john and i are both members of the band the procrastinistas. i hope you'll check us out, and be our friend on myspace. :)

special thanks to john for making time to share with us. this is one of my favorite episodes so far. no doubt about it.

wishing you the best evening,
russell


check out john's book "dog days"!

Posted by russell at 05:30 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

just want to send a reminder that i'm playing a solo show at the red victorian tomorrow night...

friday - november 9
the red victorian, 7:30pm
1665 haight (@ cole), san francisco
www.redvic.com

i'll be doing a range of songs from the past and present, and i'm excited about the set! also, there will be 5+ other musicians performing over the course of the night, so it'll be fun to hear them too. should be great night! if you have time, it'd be great to see you.

happy thursday!
russell

ps - if, for any reason, you can't make it to the red vic, i hope it's because you're at curt yagi's cd release - tomorrow, same night - at jelly's bar (295 terry francois blvd, pier 50), san francisco, 8pm. cost is $10 advanced, $15 door, 21+ only.

Posted by russell at 05:55 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

if you've been listening to the podcast over the course of the past few weeks, you already know curt yagi. he's a local san francisco singer/songwriter, and doing some great stuff - both musically, and through his work with the non-profit foundation r.o.c.k. (learn more at www.rocksf.org). curt was kind enough to meet up with me a few days ago to talk about the creative process, music, motivation, and his upcoming cd "what's come over me" (available starting friday). curt's songs are well-written, smart, and thought-provoking in a heartfelt way - which is what first compelled me about his work, and also what makes me so thankful to share his stuff with you. i hope you'll take a listen!

also, i want to make sure that everyone knows about the cd release of "whats come over me" - this friday, november 9 - at jelly's bar (295 terry francois blvd, pier 50), san francisco, 8pm. cost is $10 advanced, $15 door, 21+ only.

huge special thanks to curt for sharing his music and time with us. if you can, i hope you'll check his links below, and support what he's doing.

curt's website - www.curtyagi.com
curt on myspace - www.myspace.com/curtmusic

happy wednesday!
russell


see curt at jelly's bar this friday!

Posted by russell at 05:06 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)