the smallest changes change everything
episode 58 is here! it's more about love - part II from last week - picking up where we left off. as i think it over, and talk with more people, i'm realizing more and more how life and decision-making - as a whole - is a never-endingly complicated thing to do. i mean, it's easy and natural in a sense too. yes. most definitely. but, whenever we take time to stop and think back and ponder the ramifications of our decisions, or how we might've done things differently - how things might've been - it quickly becomes messy. cuz how can we untangle cause and effect? it's crazy, right? yet it's everywhere - in every decision - be it career or family or relationship. or love. the smallest changes change everything. and the smallest nuance of feeling (caused by the smallest nuance of circumstance) is often what informs our decision-making most. far more than facts or formulae or logic. much as we might not like to admit it.
and, in that sense, life is sorta like our own personal everyday version of chaos theory. or it seems like that sometimes. a butterfly flaps it's wings, or someone looks at us in a certain way, or says a word we associate with another time or place or memory, and the resulting tsunami may as well be emotional as physical. both are equally unpredictable. the choices we make, the version of reality we accept, how we see the world, our perceptions of experience... what convinces us? what makes us feel for others, or not? or that our life is going down the wrong track? or that change is needed? it often makes no linear sense. but life seems to go something like that. chaotically - which is also to say - intuitively.
as wikipedia puts it:
"chaos theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under specific conditions exhibit dynamics that are sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random, because of an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions. This happens even though these systems are deterministic in the sense that their future dynamics are well defined by their initial conditions, and with no random elements involved. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos."
or, as i prefer it:
"stuff is complicated, and it's impossible to really figure out why."
life has been feeling like that for me lately. not sure why. i guess the biggest part of growing up is realizing our own limits? how we don't really control the things we think we control? seems so. and i know this in lots of ways. and know that i don't know too. i'm at peace with both. sometimes. but then there are times when i really feel the reality and consequence of it. the pain part. and it just hurts. and i'm lost, and confused, and unsure of everything. i'm still growing up, still feeling the see-saw of back and forth, up and down, sure and insecure. i wonder if it ever feels done? are we ever ok? i'd love to talk to people who are older and have insight into their experiences here (if you're out there, i hope you'll tell me how you see it...) if i had to guess, i'd suspect we're always "growing up" - even at 70 or 80 or 90 years old. maybe "human" itself is just another way of saying "immature"? maybe you can't have one without the other? sometimes it feels like that. and, somehow, the idea of endless growing up helps me. it makes me feel less alone. more ok that it's not ok.
but when it comes to love - or, whatever it is that we refer to with those words - i'm in awe... of how beyond our control it is - how much we need it - how vulnerable we are without it - how simple and mind-numbingly complex it all is. it's humbling to realize how fragile we are. all of us. and, as i've said before, i believe it can be the root of our ability to see humanity in others. which is sort of the same thing, isn't it? maybe love itself is the act of connecting another person to ourselves? seeing another person in ourselves? being one with someone else? i think so. the hard part, of course, is making that journey from me to you. even when we understand it intellectually, fear and insecurity and loneliness can paralyze and blind us. and it's easy to get trapped in our own insulated fantasies and excuses and delusions of what we need and who (we believe) the people around us are. shameful as it is, that's where i am most of the time. and it's scary. cuz those limits are completely human and natural too. so what do we do?
there are no simple answers. but the only possibility i see seems connected to letting go. surrender. opening. telling the truth. and taking responsibility to give what we're looking for. to try. it's our job. always. and it's hard as hell! i know cuz i'm always getting it wrong too. i'm here with you, wanting it to change - not knowing how to start - trying to get it right. and learn and see and grow up. i think we can. and i think we need each other to get there. really, deeply, truly.
if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to episode 58. it's me rambling on about some nearly related things - live from a hotel room in portland oregon. i'd love to share it with you, and hear how you see it.
don't forget to visit the cobalt season at - thecobaltseason.com
also, a reminder - there's free music at - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik")
hoping your week is the best,
russell
and, in that sense, life is sorta like our own personal everyday version of chaos theory. or it seems like that sometimes. a butterfly flaps it's wings, or someone looks at us in a certain way, or says a word we associate with another time or place or memory, and the resulting tsunami may as well be emotional as physical. both are equally unpredictable. the choices we make, the version of reality we accept, how we see the world, our perceptions of experience... what convinces us? what makes us feel for others, or not? or that our life is going down the wrong track? or that change is needed? it often makes no linear sense. but life seems to go something like that. chaotically - which is also to say - intuitively.
as wikipedia puts it:
"chaos theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under specific conditions exhibit dynamics that are sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random, because of an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions. This happens even though these systems are deterministic in the sense that their future dynamics are well defined by their initial conditions, and with no random elements involved. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos."
or, as i prefer it:
"stuff is complicated, and it's impossible to really figure out why."
life has been feeling like that for me lately. not sure why. i guess the biggest part of growing up is realizing our own limits? how we don't really control the things we think we control? seems so. and i know this in lots of ways. and know that i don't know too. i'm at peace with both. sometimes. but then there are times when i really feel the reality and consequence of it. the pain part. and it just hurts. and i'm lost, and confused, and unsure of everything. i'm still growing up, still feeling the see-saw of back and forth, up and down, sure and insecure. i wonder if it ever feels done? are we ever ok? i'd love to talk to people who are older and have insight into their experiences here (if you're out there, i hope you'll tell me how you see it...) if i had to guess, i'd suspect we're always "growing up" - even at 70 or 80 or 90 years old. maybe "human" itself is just another way of saying "immature"? maybe you can't have one without the other? sometimes it feels like that. and, somehow, the idea of endless growing up helps me. it makes me feel less alone. more ok that it's not ok.
but when it comes to love - or, whatever it is that we refer to with those words - i'm in awe... of how beyond our control it is - how much we need it - how vulnerable we are without it - how simple and mind-numbingly complex it all is. it's humbling to realize how fragile we are. all of us. and, as i've said before, i believe it can be the root of our ability to see humanity in others. which is sort of the same thing, isn't it? maybe love itself is the act of connecting another person to ourselves? seeing another person in ourselves? being one with someone else? i think so. the hard part, of course, is making that journey from me to you. even when we understand it intellectually, fear and insecurity and loneliness can paralyze and blind us. and it's easy to get trapped in our own insulated fantasies and excuses and delusions of what we need and who (we believe) the people around us are. shameful as it is, that's where i am most of the time. and it's scary. cuz those limits are completely human and natural too. so what do we do?
there are no simple answers. but the only possibility i see seems connected to letting go. surrender. opening. telling the truth. and taking responsibility to give what we're looking for. to try. it's our job. always. and it's hard as hell! i know cuz i'm always getting it wrong too. i'm here with you, wanting it to change - not knowing how to start - trying to get it right. and learn and see and grow up. i think we can. and i think we need each other to get there. really, deeply, truly.
if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to episode 58. it's me rambling on about some nearly related things - live from a hotel room in portland oregon. i'd love to share it with you, and hear how you see it.
don't forget to visit the cobalt season at - thecobaltseason.com
also, a reminder - there's free music at - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik")
hoping your week is the best,
russell