what's it mean to be real? really real? deeply? vulnerably? it's one of those weird things for me. cuz it's totally simple on one hand, and at the same time, impossible to really explain with words. in that sense, i guess it's not unlike a lot in life? real truth, love, heart, faith. what are they like? how do we tell the real thing from the fake? how do we know which is which? seems we know when we see it, but can't often explain it, or quantify, or objectify it. and, even more - how do we get our values right, and ask the right questions (esp. of ourselves!), so we can tell the difference? i don't know. i'm definitely not there yet. but i think it's important to ask.

it's an important part of how and where we place value in the world too. how we make choices, what we do. cuz whatever the real truth is, we know it's more than surface. and we know it defies our preconception, our ideas, our attempts to label and confine. and i wonder how this mixes with the truth of our vulnerability (imperfection, brokenness) - the just-plain-messiness of it - the ugly and incomplete and (we fear) unloveable parts we all try to hide. sometimes the "real us" just doesn't feel good. cuz it's not good. and in that sense - let's be honest - sometimes "real" is the opposite of what we want, right? it's that way for me, anyway.

part of doing the podcast from week to week is about me facing this in myself. cuz there are lots of parts of me i don't like - parts i wanna run away from - stuff i wanna pretend isn't me. it can be scary as hell. and i guess that's where the urge to cover up and be superficial and false and controlling and narrow-minded comes from? it's a protection - both from ourselves and others. and it makes sense in that context. in a way. cuz alongside "real" comes unpredictable and uncontrollable and confusion and powerlessness and frustration and - well... suffering. that's the bad part. it's a mystery how it works, but they do seem connected. we long and idealize passion and courage and strength and vulnerability - and then, when we get them, lament that they come with their shadow sides of obsession and stubbornness and hostility and weakness. it's an insane, beautiful, mind-numbingly painful, amazing, paradox. i don't know the answer.

but, the deeper truth, or insight, seems to point toward the fact that all of our attempts to control and manipulate and be what we think we're supposed to be - all the trying and pushing and judging - are just games and illusions. they don't bring us what we're looking for. they don't protect us. they don't connect us. they don't make the bad stuff go away. they just lead us in circles - further and further from ourselves and others. i see it. i know it. and yet - contradictingly - here i am, continuing to do it. funny, huh? :)

thinking about all of this, it seems to come down to the fact that life is never over and done and finished as long as we're living. we're always in the loop of trying and learning and being wrong, half right, a nano-second behind the curve, lost, found, almost there - but never quite. and that just hurts. that's what a lot of living is about, it seems. we can't escape it. and i have no idea why. but - amidst this - it does seem that we can choose our orientation and response to all of these realities. our reaction makes a difference. our choices make a difference. and if we're gonna have real strength, i suspect that's where it has to come from.

so, i don't know. as always, just where my heart and thoughts are tonight. i hope you're well. and i'm thankful you're here.

links:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nick guerrero (of the nick g hard drive) - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
nico (aka "neek maxwell") - www.myspace.com/neekbailey
free mp3's - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik").

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 05:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

this week's podcast will be post-poned until tomorrow night. crazy week!

thanks for being patient with me.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 09:28 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

time is funny, isn't it? it's amazing how things go and change and evolve before our eyes. in lots of ways, it feels like the podcast just started... i mean, was that really a whole year ago? where'd it go??? it's a weird feeling. and, on the other side, it feels like a lot longer than a year - a lot's happened! we're in a completely different place - we're different people - the whole world has changed. both sides feel true somehow. and both sides feel funny - "funny sad" and "funny strange" and "funny beautiful" and "funny awe-inspiring" and "funny full-of-potential." all simultaneously, y'know?

over the past week or so i've been trying to remember where i was when we started this - emotionally - the intent, spirit, dream, etc. i can't remember it all perfectly. but i do know it's connected to the path we've traveled. and it's also changed along the way, naturally. as i sit here typing tonight, i'm mulling it over, still dreaming, thinking about where we can go from here. i know we haven't achieved everything we can together. i still believe talk can change things. and listening even more. and honesty. i want the podcast to be about that. i want it to be real. i want this to be an open place for anyone interested in sharing. i want us to take a chance together. and i know we can. that's my promise for the next few months. i'm gonna keep trying to make it personal. keep being honest. take more risks.

and somehow in that, i think we can change the world for each other. cliche, maybe. i know. but i still believe it.

i was listening to bill mallonee's cd "dear life" today, over and over and over. and he reminded me of this. there's something about his lyrics and poems and singing that cut through in a deep and real way for me - the way i wish i could.

i like the way he says it:

"and you've gone and upped the ante
in this game that we all play
gotta wake up and believe
love's the better way.
people can really be healed
there's even some of 'em you can trust
yeah, but first you gotta take the risk
and tell 'em where it hurts"

the lyrics are from a song called "i will never be normal (after this)." and they remind me of exactly how i feel about the podcast. and this moment. and everyone who's taken the time to listen and share and be here with me. which means you. and i mean it. really. so, thank you. it means everything to me that you're here, and that you've given me a chance, and that you let me in to where you are. there's no greater gift than that simple act of openness. and i know it. i'm humbled and thankful.

it's a small thing - i know - but i have to admit being a little proud that we've reached episode 52. a show every week for a year! wow, right? :) and the anniversary has me thinking about life and change and thought and dreams - how they happen, and mutate and grow - the process of us opening our eyes and seeing the world new. that's what i want. i don't know much about reality or how "possible" it is, but i want the podcast to be a part of that. i'm still inspired about the possibility for communication embedded within all of this, and i'm gonna keep fighting for it. i still believe. i hope you do too. and i hope we can keep trying together.

and the chorus goes:

"yeah, and it could've been your eyes
but i suspect it was your kiss
and i will never be normal
i will never be normal
i will never be normal
oh, after this
after this."

me neither. and that's the magic of relationship, isn't it?

xtra special thanks to all of the musicians who shared their work with us over the past year! if you weren't here when they originally aired, i hope you'll go back and visit their episodes:

nick guerrero - episodes 002 & 032
liz angelucci - episodes 004 & 023
josh armerding - episode 008
jonas - episodes 014 & 016
patrick kobernus - episode 010
alex calder - episode 25
kris hauch - episodes 012 & 050
marianne barlow - episode 043

visit the cobalt season at - thecobaltseason.com
also, if you haven't seen vanilla sky check it out on wikipedia.
and if you don't already know bill mallonee's music, visit him at - www.billmallonee.net.

this year has been a blessing.

thanks,
russell


me saying thank you to you tonight.

Posted by russell at 05:21 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

hey, just wanted to give an update on next week's show with liz angelucci - there's been a last minute date change, and we will be at blondie's this upcoming monday night aug. 20 (not sunday the 19th as previously scheduled). sorry for the inconvenience! i've updated both simplemuzik.com and myspace to reflect the change, so hopefully no one will be confused.

so, that's next monday night (august 20) - liz angelucci & me - at blondie's bar & no grill - 540 valencia st. (between 16th & 17th), san francisco, 8pm. i know it's the beginning of the week, but it would be wonderful to share the evening with you nonetheless!

if you don't already know liz's music, check out - episodes 004 & 023.
and don't forget liz' site - www.elizabethangelucci.com.

thanks! and hope to see you monday...
russell

Posted by russell at 09:20 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

a few weeks back when amanda was our guest, we talked and wondered out loud about why it's so scary to admit being weak or wrong, or desperate, incomplete, lonely, needy, etc., etc., etc. and i still wonder. it seems so ingrained in us - the stiff upper lip - "everything's ok" even when it's not, etc. why do we do that? what are we so afraid of? i don't know. but whatever it is, it seems to be a deep part of us - part of society itself, and how we measure our worth in the world. and, paradoxically, oppositely, it also seems that we deeply long for a safe place to be ourselves. don't we? so why all the subterfuge? we all know better anyway, right? we all know we're imperfect, and that others are too. yet here we are. day after day. pretending for each other. or ourselves?

and i guess maybe that's why it feels so revolutionary whenever we feel protected and at home and ok for being wherever (and whoever) we are emotionally, developmentally, intellectually, spiritually - all of it. just as we are. and yet, often, society and the world (and we) are so viciously judgmental when others show us the truth. why? is it because weakness in others reminds us of our own? i think so sometimes. and, if so, why the need to be so perfect all the time? why the need to put our best (false) face forward, even when it's the complete opposite of how we really feel inside? when it adds to the hostility and insecurity and fear and loneliness we're all afflicted with??? i mean, it's weird, right?

then again, maybe it's not so weird too? cuz, while i talk big and emotional a lot of the time, i'm also right here in the middle of it - doing the hiding and pretending every day, constantly - running scared, trying to control and figure and posture, pretending. and i know better. but i still do it. so, yes. me too. i'm trying to cover up and make like everything's ok when it's not - that i'm independent, strong, poised, on point, calm, cool, collected, so on. but i'm not. not usually, anyway. and it doesn't feel good to pretend, y'know? it feels lonely. and false. and i suspect a lot of the emotional and relational estrangement (and stress and dysfunction) we experience in the world (and with each other) comes from the dualism that's so naturally expected from all of us. i wonder if it's possible to get past all of this and create a different kind of reality? i really hope so. i want to.

so, in retrospect, i think episode 51 is about this. it's just me, stream-of-consciousness, sloppily trying to explain my desire for it to be better for all of us. it's me trying. and honestly, as i type this, i'm also more than a little embarrassed and sheepish about posting, or admitting, or saying any of this. partly cuz i'm worried about being perceived exactly as i admit to being in the show - desperate, weird, simplistic, naive, cliche, etc., etc. and the most difficult truth of all is that it's all true of me. every bit. i am naive and cliche and desperately needy. yes. so, there's that. and, on the other side, as i mentioned, i realize my hipocrisy - how i cling to my walls and safe places and securities, even now, even here. but i wanna be better. for both of us. and i'm trying to break out. brokenly and imperfectly. i got a long way to go.

anyway, if you're interested in this stuff, i hope you'll join me for episode 51. and i hope you'll share and tell me how you see things. cuz i'm thankful you're here.

show links:
nick guerrero - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
free mp3's - www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = "muzik").
my upcoming shows - can be seen here.

wishing you the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:26 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

if you get a chance, i really hope you'll take a listen to this week's podcast with kris hauch. after joining us last november (as our guest on episode 12), kris was kind enough to return for another show - this time with even more music, and some live performances on piano! kris' music is fun and energetic and smart, and i'm truly honored that he agreed to share it with us so openly. before he agreed to do the show, kris asked if we could keep it "shorter, with less talking," so that's what we tried to do. hopefully we succeeded. i'm biased, obviously - but i think we did!

if you like what you hear, i hope you'll visit kris' myspace, download his songs, and support his bands.

you can find him at:
kris hauch solo (named after his cat) - www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" (aka "street piano") - www.myspace.com/streetpiano

learn more about kris' inspiration:
by visiting charley pride at - www.charleypride.com
and there's a wiki article about mr. pride here.

also, as kris suggests, don't forget to google search how to write a song,
and how to sing. when you find out, let me know, ok? ;)

thanks for listening!
russell

Posted by russell at 05:27 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

this week's show is just me and my sister amanda on an average night, listening to music, talking about life, how things are going, ideas of hope, feeling, growing, etc. i've mentioned before about the intimacy possible in the podcast format - how i'm attracted to it - and in a really informal way, i think episode 49 gets at some of that. intimacy is such an elusive and subjective and amazing thing, isn't it? so, don't know if you'll feel the same way i do about it? but, if you get a chance, i hope you can join us and think and feel and share the hour. we listen to some beautiful songs by the cobalt season, varona, julius ceasar, and kris hauch. and we talk. and that's pretty much it. :) i know it can be scary to talk out loud and on the spot like this, so i'm really thankful to amanda for being so patient with me, and putting up with my silly questions and rambling. i hope you will be too. and, if you listen, i hope you'll find something of value and/or interest in it. if so, both amanda and i would love to hear from you. i hope you'll share with us.

featured music was by:
the cobalt season - thecobaltseason.com
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
kris hauch - www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" - www.myspace.com/streetpiano

oh, and you can say hi to amanda at - the myspace.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 04:54 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)