my plan for this week's podcast was to talk about song lyrics and life and idealism vs. compromise - how they mix with our decisions, relationships, dreams, etc. and episode 48 is about that, for sure. but, when i heard about the passing of tammy faye messner earlier this week, everything shifted for me. cuz, in a lot of ways, my whole experience with christianity and faith and religion has been lived alongside the life and times of tammy faye, ptl, etc. as a young kid, i remember the feeling of being emotionally open and naive about religion, watching jim and tammy on uhf - me in the bay area, they in the bible belt. it felt like another world. i'll always remember being mesmerized and attracted and curious - in awe of what life in the "christian-usa" must be like. and then, in the later 80's, as my conscience developed, i found myself joining the throngs in condemnation of the bakker's extravagence and abuse of position and power. as i mention in the show, looking back - even now - the response of disgust to the kind of arrogance shown by the ptl organization seems appropriate. agreed. but, what about jim and tammy themselves? i mean, as people? the human side? where's the line between correcting abuse, and complete demonization and destruction of an individual or family? is there a line? seems like there should be. to me, anyway.

when the documentary "the eyes of tammy faye" came out in 2000, i saw a whole different side of tammy, and realized i'd been unfair. through my own heart and feelings (or lack thereof), i'd taken part in uncritically dismissing her as a person. and, in so doing, i'd missed a lot! i'd missed the whole core of who tammy faye was, and what she stood for. i'd missed a woman who courageously stood up for her convictions and loved others unconditionally, completely, revolutionarily. i'd missed an entire universe of beauty and strength and compassion. and why? because of her make up, her style, her singing, her involvement in scandal? how shallow of me, right? i'm ashamed to admit it. but it's the truth.

so, last week, when i saw tammy on larry king, talking about hope and fighting for things to be better - not giving up in the face of certain loss - living in love to the end, defiantly. i was stunned and humbled, and in awe of her indomitable spirit. i don't claim to know what "god" is in any objective sense. but, whatever she/he/it is, there's no doubt that tammy faye was in touch with it. god was surely living through her heart and soul and spirit. and, at the end of life, i don't think there's anything more any of us could ever dream or hope to be true of us. in this sense tammy deserves our unreserved respect and honor. and she has mine, unequivocally.

there's a lot more bubbling around in my feeling and heart tonight, but this is some of what tammy faye has taught me. most of all - she stands as a beautiful and courageous reminder that we can change. the force of love and openness make a difference. all it takes is for us to open our eyes, and start. tammy proved it. she lived a difficult life, filled with imperfections, and disappointments, and loss - as we all do. she had every right to be bitter and to lose faith and surrender. but she never did. she stood up, opened her arms, and showed up, relentlessly, fully - all the way to the end. it's not much, i know, but my heart and thankfulness and deepest respect go out to tammy faye and her family and friends and those who knew her tonight. i will never forget.

if you can, i hope you'll visit the links below, and take a listen to episode 48.

featured music:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nick guerrero - www.myspace.com/nickguerrero
kris hauch - www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" - www.myspace.com/streetpiano

if you're interested in learning more about tammy faye,
there's some good memorial and bio information here.
there's also an article on tammy faye at wikipedia here.
"the eyes of tammy faye" documentary can be found here.
tammy's last interview with larry king can be seen on youtube here.
tammy's son jay leads the "revolution church" in nyc.

and, on the other side, as mentioned in the show,
you can find way of the master radio at - www.wayofthemasterradio.com

the lyrics i read were from songs by:
the indigo girls - www.indigogirls.com
(learn more about indigo girls on wikipedia here.)
you can hear the indigo girls perform "love's recovery" live (on youtube) here.
and
ani difranco - www.righteousbabe.com/ani/
(learn more about ani difranco on wikipedia here.)
you can hear ani's remix of "joyful girl" on youtube here.
(please note: this isn't the original version from the album "dilate"
i referenced. the remix is ok, but i still like the original better.)

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (49) | TrackBacks (0)

i sorta meandered from the title on tonight's show, but hopefully it still feels connected somehow. but, even if not, i do think there's something beautiful and true in the idea that passion (interest, curiosity, excitement) is deeply connected to whatever we mean when we talk about intelligence (or depth or innovation or genius). to my eye, it totally seems like they come from the same place. and maybe that's also why it seems, invariably, that the most incredibly minded people are often perceived as a bit off-kilter - weird, intense, etc. which isn't to say that "weird" necessarily equates to intelligence in any given case. cuz surely, "weird" for weird's sake is, sadly, often confused with originality. and there's lots of that going around, i know. but, all the same, on the other side, true iconoclasm and passion (and intelligence) are too-frequently dismissed as merely "weird for weird's sake." which is also a mistake. so, how do we tell which is which, or when? that's the tricky part. :)

authentic passion (the honest kind) - heart and soul and spirit and desire and dreams and interest - always seem (to me) indistinguishable from intellect and innovation and intuition and dynamism. they're like dovetails, or two sides of the same coin - naturally interrelated. i think so. and i'm in awe. cuz - thing is - it always comes in the most surprising forms, and from the most unexpected directions and sources. i think that's what's most amazing. whenever we write someone off, dismiss them as "weird," settle into a prejudice, or think we've got it figured out and ordered - we've got a recipe for change. it's as if our understanding of the world itself intuitively chafes against simplistic rationalization, and needs to stretch and grow and breathe. i don't understand it, but it's pretty cool to see. every time.

it's funny too, cuz in a world like ours - where "normal" is often admired as the greatest of all achievements, and standing out is feared and misjudged and viewed with suspicion - i think it's even more incredible that passion (intelligence) continues and thrives and never stops. for me, that's the most beautiful thing about life itself, being here together, imperfectly, learning from each other, being mistaken, and broken, and needy. sometimes i think it's these needs and incompletenesses themselves that inspire the greatest leaps forward. makes sense to me, as a metaphor. and it fits in with suffering too. i mean, when things aren't alright is when we're most inspired to look for answers, right? seems so. and i think there's something good in there. even though it's technically "not ok".

all that said - the courage and faith required to stand up and speak out of turn, with thought and feeling - to put our hearts on our sleeves, for real - to risk being rejected and misperceived and seen as weak and broken and lost - never ceases to inspire and awe me. seems like the most amazing revolutions are always the most personal, which is also to say the most dangerous. i wonder how you see it? dunno. maybe i'm wrong? could be. but it still feels true. and that's the kind of life i want. i want to be deeply (and really) connected with others. i wanna be honest. and i wanna hear and see the truth. don't know if you do too? i hope so. i suspect we all do. so, in my small way, the podcast, and the music, and the silliness of me typing right here and now, is me trying for that. with you. totally imperfectly. obviously. so, don't know what this means, if anything? but it feels important to try all the same. trying is all we've got. so maybe you'll join me? i hope so. i need you.

i guess episode 47 isn't really about any of this either. at least not explicitly. but it's sorta what's on my mind as i'm uploading. if you have time, i hope you can take a listen to the show and click around the links (below). i'd love to share it with you.

music links:
varona - www.myspace.com/varonaband
nico - www.myspace.com/neekbailey
nico's band, the mannequins - www.myspace.com/mannequinsmusic

check out bob's work at - www.visionaryartz.com

learn more about erich fromm on wikipedia. if you're interested, i also highly recommend his book psychoanalysis and religion. fascinating stuff! seriously.

thanks for reading all this and listening. it means a lot to me.

<3
russell

Posted by russell at 04:08 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

hey everybody,

just wanted to give a heads-up that i'm playing two shows this week - one with liz angelucci, and one with slyway. the details are:

friday, july 20 - i'm playing guitar with liz angelucci, at the red vic - 1665 haight st. @ cole, san francisco. show starts approx. 9pm. more details at www.elizabethangelucci.com.

monday, july 23 - i'm playing drums with slyway (and [top secret] i may be doing some of my own songs too, we'll see...), at ireland's 32 - 3920 geary st., san francisco. show starts approx. 9pm. more details at www.slywaymusic.com.

both shows should be fun, and i'd love to share them with you!

thanks,
russell

Posted by russell at 05:13 PM | Permalink | TrackBacks (0)

doing the podcast week by week is funny. i never know what to expect, or how things will turn out, or how my feelings or the moment (or the day) will turn and inform what happens. it's weird how that stuff works. sometimes i'm up and chatty and able to get it right, and others i flounder and go in a thousand different directions (and nowhere) all at once - distracted, inarticulate, etc. regrettably, i think tonight might be an example of the latter. i'm feeling a bit exhausted and deflated, which shows. on the up side, i play some songs live in-studio. which is fun! but, i also manage to do a lot of rambling (and mumbling) in-between songs, which is making me cringe as i type and upload. hopefully it's not as annoying as i fear. can't tell. but i feel compelled to mention it (so you know i know), and apologize. rest assured - i've taken note, and promise to enunciate and stay on topic next week! no, i mean really. i will. :)

all that aside, i gotta admit being in love with the intimacy that podcasting allows. even when it's broken and imperfect. i love that it can feel like such a personal, one-one, conversation. and that it can be. and is! and that it's up to us. so, maybe, somehow, that's the silver lining? i hope so. i hope it's ok. and i hope the energy and passion and possibility comes through within and around (and despite) the obvious imperfections i'm prone to. that's the goal. i know i don't always get there, but i'm trying.

so, with all this in mind - if you get a chance - i'd love to share episode 46 with you. it means a lot to me that you're here, that you take the time to read this, and share and listen. it's an honor. seriously. i really do see it that way. so thank you! i don't know how to convey the emotional truth of it any clearer than that - but i'm thankful. for real. your patience and kindness mean the world.

if you can listen, i'd love to hear your impressions/suggestions/ideas/criticisms of the songs and performances. it's helpful. the songs are:

i like it when you kiss me (intro)
sometimes, at night
for times like these
about everything
you'll never see
i like it when you kiss me (full version)

if you like the songs, check out free mp3 downloads -
www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = muzik)

wishing you the best week,
russell

Posted by russell at 04:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (55) | TrackBacks (0)

this week's show is about freedom. in a way. but, even more, it's about possibility, and hope, and change.  and the way our lives unfold and open and stretch and evolve and learn to see.  it's amazing, right?  i think so.  as i was re-listening and editing the show, it dawned on me (again) how frustratingly limited language is. and how little we can actually convey with words themselves. the real meaning is more of an intuitive direction than any specific thing you can point to. and it takes both of us (listening and trying) to ascertain that direction, and turn, and move toward it. but, anyway, that aside, i do wish i was better at conveying and sharing the truth in my heart and experience.  i want to be.

thinking back on my life and choices, i see so many spots where i've misjudged situations, myself, others, limitations, possibilities, etc.  in a significant way, these kinds of judgments - the way we see the world, our place, our relation to others - informs who we are, and what our lives are like.  in a way, it is who we are, y'know? and i guess that's as it should be?  perhaps.  but it's also frustrating. especially in hindsight, when we realize the breadth of possibilities that actually existed at any given point - and how few of them we were actually aware of at the time - how our stories and mythologies about the world have forced us into boxes of illusion and limitation.  and, alternatively, how - in another very real sense - limitations and illusions become facts when we believe them.  like stone.  the stories we tell ourselves make a difference.  both for good and bad. they create possibility, and take it away.

this is the conundrum of human life, i guess?  we're all limited.  we all yearn for more freedom.  it's nothing new.  and here i am doing it all over again, cuz i want to grow and learn more.  i wanna keep pushing.  i wanna see where i'm missing the point, and be in touch with the real possibilities out there.  how do we do it? how can we change things?  what can we do to break through in our relationships with each other?  to make life better for all of us? it can happen.  it's idealistic, i know. but i can't help it. i believe.  what can i say?

  it's funny how the idea of "freedom" fits into all of this too.  so often, we think of freedom as simply our ability to do what we want without restraint.  and it is. that's important, no doubt.  but what about the restraints that come from our own limitations? the internal ones? the ones we create?  our own predjudice and blindness?  how do we get over those?  how do we come to see past and through them?  deeply, i think we need each other for that.  and i think, sometimes, being encumbered and thwarted and restrained is the very thing that forces us to go inward and check and push on our limitations.  so, it's a mystery.  i don't understand.  but it does seem clear that problems and brokenness and not getting what we want are sometimes the exact right medicine we need to grow and heal and learn and see anew. 

when we approach life with that attitude - that there's something to be gained from failure, loss, disappointment, regret, suffering...  the world transforms. it's doesn't often feel good, for sure.  and we can't conjure it on command, just cuz we should, or cuz we want it.  but, when we really do see the truth of it - the beautiful difficulty of it - everything is different.  so, that's what i'm working for, and struggling toward.  brokenly.  a real revolution of heart and soul and passion.  an independence day, every day.  that's what i want for both of us. 

  if you have time, i hope you'll listen to episode 45.  i'd love to hear your thoughts, where you think i'm nuts, or if you see a better way to think of this, or explain it.  more than anything, i'm thankful that you're here with me.

also, hope you can check the links below and explore:

jonas -
www.simplemuzik.com/artist-jonas.html
free jonas mp3 downloads -
www.simplemuzik.com/muzik
(name + password = muzik)

kris hauch -
www.myspace.com/thefannycake
kris' band "shirt" -
www.myspace.com/streetpiano

also, hope you'll visit the archives and listen to episode 008
(josh armerding performs live!).

viktor frankl on wikipedia.
as discussed, mr. frankl references the idea of existential therapy in his book man's search for meaning. frankl developed a form of analysis called logotherapy based on similar principles. cool stuff!

jiddu krishnamurti on wikipedia.
krishnamuri foundation of america - www.kfa.org
there's krishnamurti info and audio at - www.jkrishnamurti.org
and cool free videos available on google video.

love,
russell

Posted by russell at 12:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (53) | TrackBacks (0)